Me, Myself & I
by Angel17
Summary: Cordelia discovers the existance of vampires and other creatures of the night. Cordelia's point of view during season one and two of Buffy.
1. Welcome to the Hellmouth

Welcome to the Hellmouth (The Cordelia Version)

**Disclaimer**: Not Mine, what more can I say – although the 'Cordelia thinking' below is all mine…

**Summary**: This is my take on what was going through Cordelia's Mind during season one and all the wackiness that it was.

**A/N**: Reviews are muchly appreciated…tell me what you think….what I could do to improve…

--

Today's the first day of my sophomore year of high school, and the way I present myself today is how I will be known for the rest of the year. Therefore, the outfit I choose is of utmost importance - not just the cut and fabric, but the mixtures of colors and materials. Contrary to what many 'I have no fashion sense' people may think, dressing is an art form and no one does it better than Cordelia Chase. They should so offer it as a major in college, that way I would most definitely graduate with honors and many people out there would so benefit from my lessons in fashion, see how I'm always thinking about other people?

I can hear daddy from my bedroom yelling about some guy suing him for smashing his kadonk of a car. Seriously what does the guy expect driving around in something anyone else in their right mind wouldn't even accept for scrap? But back to important things, daddy thinks he's having a rough time, hello? I've finally narrowed it down to two shades of lipstick, my decision will live with me for the rest of the year and daddy's yelling about a law suit...unbelievable!

------

So I'm sitting in my first class of the day and beside me sits the new girl, I already know that she's from LA which is a bonus for her - it ups her status. I surreptitiously suss her out, not in a gay way eew!

That's when I notice she doesn't have the text so I lean over and share my book with her.

**"Thanks."**

This is my first official good dead of the day. So anyway, I continue with the inspection and decide that she's got possibilities, with my guidance and influence she can definitely go somewhere in this school, wow am I already planning my second good dead for the day? I have so grown as a person!

So the bell finally rings, cutting off Mrs. Borings monologue about a plague in some century that no one cares about. We get up and I introduce myself.

"I'm Cordelia"

"I'm Buffy"

Okay so weird name, but I can get past that seeing as how I've grown and all.

"If you're looking for a textbook of your very own there's probably a few in the library"

"Oh, great, thanks. Where would that be?"

"I'll show you, come on. So you're from Hemery, right? In L.A.?

We're walking down the corridor and I'm focusing on her needs, that being texts for class and status in the school.

"Uh, yeah."

Okay, so she's not great with the talking…which I'm okay with – gives me more time to speak my mind, which obviously is more interesting to anyone listening. I do what I can to save people from the boredom of this town.

"Oh, I would kill to live in L.A. That close to so many shoes?" Buffy laughs as I take a moment to imagine the world I've just created in my head of streets filled with shoe stores.

I decide that the new girl has some potential, she obviously appreciates my wittiness and conversational skills which is a plus for her, so I take a leap of faith in her potential and offer her the world.

"Well, you'll be okay here. If you hang with me and mine, you'll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You're from L.A. so you can skip the written, but let's see. Vamp nail polish…?"

"Um, over?"

"So over. James Spader?"

"He needs to call me!"

"Frappacino's?"

"Trendy, but tasty."

"John Tesh?"

"The Devil!"

"That was pretty much a gimme, but…you passed!"

"Oh, goody!"

Look at her, she can barely disguise her gratitude, after all, how often is the world of popularity just landed into your lap. Never, unless you're lucky enough to be discovered by me that is.

We reach the water fountain and who do we run into…a looser that's who. I swear, I'm tested at every opportunity!

Anyhow…I've decided to turn over a new leaf and be nice to these people...or at least civil. Can they help it if their parents have no money or status - though I don't believe they should rub their misfortune in my face, I can at least be civil. So when Willow blocks my way in that hideous creation I have to bite my tongue not to say something I really mean, instead..."Willow! Nice dress! Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears.", that was me being nice and witty all rolled into one - I'm a true artist, obviously my wit goes over the nerds head 'cos she looks at me all confused and tells me her mother bought it for her.

Who offers that kind of information out willing? The geek is signing her own looser death warrant. I've finally lost all reasoning and can no longer be civil, so I do the next best thing and practically tell her to leave. This way we're both safe.

"No wonder you're such a guy magnet. Are you done?"

I'm amazing myself at how I'm always thinking of others. Speaking of, Buffy needs to learn the social graces of this school, the first being 'know your losers' plus I doubt whether she has what it takes to be civil to these people, she would probably botch it up, so it's best if she recognizes them in order to avoid them, in the meantime I'll begin lessons on the correct diplomatic way to handling oneself around nerds.

"You wanna fit in here, the first rule is: know your losers. Once you can identify them all be sight, they're a lot easier to avoid."

Buffy laughs appreciatively at my advice before we continue to the library, so I decide to reward her…"And if you're not too swamped with catching up you should come by the Bronze tonight."

"The who?"

"The Bronze. It's the only club worth going to around here. They let anybody in, but it's still the scene. It's in the bad part of town"

We stop outside the library.

"Where's that?"

"About half a block from the good part of town." I laugh "We don't have a whole lot of town here. But, um, you should show!"

"Well, I'll try. Uh thanks."

"Good. So, um, I'll see you in gym, and you can tell me absolutely everything there is to know about you."

I rush off to my next class which I'm already late for, you'd think I'd get rewarded for all my good deeds by at least a few extra minutes to get to class. Besides, there has to be at least some reward, why else would anyone do it?

----

I can't believe it, after all that I've done for her and she does this! It's like a knife through my back, she was my best friend, my trusted confidante and she throws it all away for this!

Okay, I guess I need to backtrack a little here. I was on my way to the courtyard to tell anyone who is 'anyone' all about the dead guy in Aura's locker, and what do I find? Miss Buffy Summers downward spiral into looser land, had I not expressly warned her of these people?

It was obvious she had no clue on how to handle these people, the trick was keeping an appropriate distance from them so that no one would associate you with them. The next was to look down upon them, a sort of gentle reminder to them of who you are and who they are, then you offer them the appropriate civil yet pointed remark - letting them know that they should leave your vicinity right away, for both of your reputations. Buffy on the other hand did not seem to understand this. Maybe I'd underestimated her 'coolness factor'? Or hang on, the girl was obviously socially retarded. I'm not sure even I, Cordelia Chase could fix this much damage, but I had to try.

"Are these people bothering you?" There, I've just given her the perfect opening to get herself out of this partially intact.

"Uh no"

Well at least she has the decency to look ashamed. But she's definitely retarded 'cos she's not taking the opening.

At this point Willow decides to butt into our conversation…rude much?

"She's not hanging out with us."

Okay whatever. Look what happens when cool kids hang out with losers, said losers think they can address you in conversation.

"Hey Cordelia."

Oh great, now Jesse thinks he can greet me…

"Oh please!" I immediately dismiss him, hopefully Buffy is watching and learning.

I turn my attention back to Buffy. "I don't mean to interrupt your downward mobility, but I just wanted to tell you that you won't be meeting Coach Foster, the woman with the chest hair, because gym was canceled due to the extreme dead guy in the locker."

"What?"

Oh, now she's deaf?

"What are you talking about?"

I glare at Willow, whose obviously forgotten her place in society and is still addressing me. It's great gossip though so I ignore the audacity and continue with my story. "Some guy was stuffed in Aura's locker!"

"Dead?" Questions Buffy.

"Totally dead. Way dead." I answer.

"It's not just a little dead then?"

Wait! Now Xander is in on the whole talking to me thing…what has this world come to? "Don't you have an elsewhere to be?" That's my nice way of saying you're stepping over society's social bounds here buster!

"Y'know, if you need a shoulder to cry on, or just to nibble on…"

"How did he die?

I decide to ignore Jesse's failure at noticing my total disdain for him and answer Buffy's question instead "I don't know."

"Well, were there any marks?"

I'm definitely starting to reconsider her whole coolness factor, what kind of question is that anyway? "Morbid much! I didn't ask!"

Weirdo girl, then grabs her stuff and offers some lame-o excuse before leaving. "What's her deal?"

-------

Thursday night at The Bronze is surprisingly packed, which means lots of sweaty bodies in my vicinity, which wouldn't be bad if they were all Brad Pitt. Which they're not…but I deal.

So the gals and I are chatting.

"My mom doesn't even get out of bed anymore. And the doctor says it's Epstein-Barr. I'm like, pleeease! It's chronic hepatitis, or at least chronic fatigue syndrome. I mean, nobody cool has Epstein-Barr anymore."

I'm so caught up in my life-story that I don't even notice when geek-extraordinaire enters my vicinity – they really should wear bells or something.

"Hey Cordelia!"

"Oh yay, it's my stalker." I pull a face to ensure that my groupies get the correct picture, no offence to them, but some of them are lacking in the brains department if you know what I mean! This is one of the many reasons they need me. I think for them.

"Hey, you, uh, look great!"

As if I didn't already know that! "Well, I'm glad we had this little chat." Another civil yet pointed remark. And yet the geek doesn't catch on – I really need to re-look my 'turning over a new leaf' phase, 'cos this just ain't working for me.

"Listen, uh, you know, you wanna dance, you know?"

Wow, he has such a grasp of the English language. "Well, uh, no! C'mon guys." With that we leave Geek-boy-Jesse, behind.

Oh look what-his-name. I corner the nerd and demand a drink, which he scurries off to do. I've decided it's no more Miss Nice Cordelia – at least for tonight, and there's the fact that I'm in desperate need of a drink after all that talking. While I wait patiently for the drink I catch site of Buffy…is that the Librarian? This just gets way weirder, who hangs out with a librarian at a club? Who hangs out with a librarian anytime?

Boy am I glad I saw through her straight away, who knows what kind of faux pas I could've made socializing with her.

So anyway, I finish the drink and decide to go and powder my nose, so I lead the girls off to the toilets.

A touch up here and a dab there and I'm perfect once again. I pack my compact away and lead the way out of the bathroom only to be attacked by weirdo-girl.

She throws me against a wall and starts strangling me whilst she points a stick at me in threatening manner. Suddenly I see my life flash before my eyes and wonder what I possibly could've done to experience all of this misfortune.

Moments before I black out Buffy drops me.

"Cordelia!"

I rub my neck and glare at her "God! What is your childhood trauma!" This is a rhetorical question, 'cos I'd really rather not know…plus, also, I don't care.

"Have you guys seen Willow? Did she come by here?"

Now she thinks we can have a chat? And in what bizarro-world would I ever know where the little red headed geek was. Somebody should tell her that red was so over. "Why? Do you need to attack her with a stick? Jeez!"

I don't even notice her leaving 'cos I'm already searching for my cell. "Excuse me, I have to call everyone I have ever met, right now!"

So I'm dialing numbers and thinking nobody is going to believe how psycho-chick tried to kill me, but hey I'm doing my duty by warning them…also…great gossip!

--

As I climb into bed, I congratulate myself on surviving the first day of Sunnydale High. I am so gonna rule the school…


	2. The Harvest

The Harvest (Cordelia's Version)

**Disclaimer etc in Chapter one.**

**--**

The worst invention ever is the computer, I swear if I ever meet Ben Gates I'm gonna kill him for daring to invent something so annoying. Where am I ever going to be in a position where I will have to use one?

It's Friday and we're sitting in the computer lab doing some pointless assignment when there are so many more useful things we could be doing with our time, like for instance, the latest Gucci design.

"No! It's supposed to find the syntax and match it. Or wait…"

Harmony who isn't even helping, not that the brainless wonder could, interrupts my thoughts.

"Are we going to The Bronze tonight?"

"No, we're going to the other cool place in Sunnydale." I reply sarcastically, don't get me wrong, she's my friend and all, but she can be overbearingly self absorbed and not to mention dense at times.

Like now, she's looking at me in confusion! I decide to let her off the hook and answer her question in a way she'll understand. "Of course we're going to The Bronze. Friday night? No cover? But you should have been there last night, 'cause I ran into Buffy…" I insert a pause, giving the story a mysterious air about it. "…and can she be any weirder? She attacked me! Do you believe it?"

Harmony picks this moment to become all interested in the stupid assignment.

"I think we did this part wrong."

Yeah and who cares?

"Why do we have to devise these programs, isn't that what nerds are for?" Indicating towards Willow I whisper "What'd she do?"

"Uh, she's doing something else."

Fine, I'll figure this out on my own. "Okay, and then pattern run, right? Or got to end? That's it!"

"Maybe."

"So anyway, I come outta the bathroom, and she comes running at me. Screaming! With a stick! I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you! I swear!"

"Who?"

Jeez, get with the program "Buffy!"

"The new girl?"

"What's her deal?" asks Jake or is it Tommy? Whatever!

"Well, she's crazed." They act like it wasn't obvious from the start, fortunately I read right through her the first moment I saw her.

"Did you hear about her old school?"

Ooh gossip! I shake my head as a signal for Harmony to continue.

"Booted."

"Well, I exhibit no surprise."

"Why was she kicked out?" asks Tommy-Jake.

"Uh, because she's a psycho loony!" I answer. Can nobody else see it?

"No, she's not."

"What?" I say, more from shock that missy nerdy pants Willow is interrupting me more than anything else.

"She's not a psycho. You don't even know her."

That's it, I definitely need to nip this new found audacity in the bud, 'cos it's getting out of hand. I blame Buffy, before she came along all the nerds knew their place and now…it's like they're all running round as if they're equals!

"Excuse me? Who gave you permission to exist?" Take that! "Do I horn in on your private discussions? No. Why? Because you're boring."

"Okay, I think the program's done."

I turn my attention back to Harmony and the computer "finally the nightmare ends! Okay, so how do we save it?"

"Deliver."

That was Willow-interuptus again, this time I don't put her in her place, 'cause she was doing what a nerd does and that's okay with me 'cause that's how it's supposed to be.

So anyway "deliver? Where's that? Oh!"

Is that normal? The screen just went blank after hitting the DEL key! Huh!

-----

I'm in my element, it's Friday night at The Bronze, I'm surrounded by my Groupies, looking my ultimate best! I love being the center of attention, this is what I thrive at, people could take lessons from me – it would help them out in life.

So I'm giving the girls some much appreciated advice on guys and dating in general, they hang on every word I say.

"Senior boys are the only way to go. Guys from our grade, forget about it, they're children. Y'know?"

I barely pause as we take our seats.

"Like Jesse. Did you see him last night, following me around like a little puppy dog."

As expected, they pack up into laughter at the humiliation that is the life of Jesse.

"You just wanna put him to sleep. But senior boys, hmmm, they have mystery. They have…what's the word I'm searching for?"

I let them sweat it out a little before continuing with the drama.

"Cars!"

Yup, I have them hooked.

"I'm just not the type to settle. Y'know? It's like when I go shopping. I have to have the most expensive thing. Not because it's expensive, but because it costs more."

Sometimes I shock myself with just how deep and inspiring I am.

"You know, I…"

What's this, now the groupies are butting in…is this like a conspiracy against me or something. Besides, like anyone cares about what she has to say.

"Hello, Miss Motormouth, can I get a sentence finished? Oh, I love this song! Come on!"

I rush on to the dance floor with the girls right behind me.

_You fight the good fight / You fight the good war / You fight to be right / You fight to restore / Why should I believe a word that you say / It was just a game that you don't wanna play ? And I say ? It's wearing me down, I realize ? it's all in my head now, now, and I realize / it's not what you've done / As much as what you've said / as what you've said / as what you've said / as what you've said_

The song finishes and I begin to make my way off the dance floor and who should be standing not only in my way but also in my breathing space? Stalker-boy!

"Uh, what do you want?" I demand. I seriously don't have patience for his pathetic existence right now.

That's when he grabs my hand and forces me on to the dance floor again. "Hey! Hello! Caveman brain! What are you doing?"

"Shut up!"

Okay this is new "well, just one dance."

You can put it down to temporary insanity brought about by his new-found manliness…eew what am I saying? No, it's definitely a fear for my life. Also, there's something different about him, like this whole bad-boy animalistic thing or something. Maybe I am insane.

Then the lights go off and everyone starts complaining and…hey! Did Jesse just cop a feel? I'm about to give him one of my deadly tongue lashings when this weird disfigured guy climbs on stage like he's going to make a speech. Hello, disfigured-boy, this is a night club not a freak debate club or something!

"Ladies and Gentleman! There is no cause for alarm. Actually, there is cause for alarm. It just won't do any good."

At this point everyone starts screaming, I'm not sure if it's because they're frightened of his deformity or if they're angry at the interruption, either way he just laughs.

Is this the band? "I thought there wasn't any band tonight?" I'm also re-thinking the whole coolness factor of this place, 'cause I certainly don't want to be dancing to freaky-guys music.

I turn to Jesse to see if he knows anything about it and…he's also deformed! Is this like a plague? Am I going to catch it? Oh god!

Over my panic I hear someone ask what's wrong with their faces…yeah that's what I'd like to know!

Obviously disfigured guy takes offense because he grabs the guy around the throat.

"Watch me, people. Fear is like an elixir. It's almost like blood."

Huh?

Oh crap, he's eating the doorman!

"Next! Tonight is the ascension. Tonight will be history at its end! Yours is a glorious sacrifice! Degradation most holy. What? No volunteers?"

I'm confused again, that's why I don't at first argue the fact that some woman is leading me up to him.

"Here's a pretty one."

What? No way! I don't want to catch this plague or whatever it is that they have!

I scream.

"Oh, I'm sorry, were you in the middle of something?"

It's Buffy, oh thank god, maybe they'll give her the ugly disease, it's not like it'll ruin her life anymore 'cause she doesn't even have one.

"You."

Apparently ugly guy knows her, why am I not surprised? Who cares…eat her!

"You didn't think I'd miss this did you?"

"I hoped you'd come."

"Be right down!"

That's when Buffy jumps down on to the pool table, so what she's a gymnast…it's just like her to turn this around to be all about her. What about my pain?

Anyway, I'm thinking this place hasn't been cleaned in awhile because as soon as she lands, it's like dust keeps swirling around everywhere. What's up with that? I'm so getting daddy to sue this place due to the extreme un-hygiene and the ugly people biting patrons.

How do they expect to make a profit? Whose going to wanna go out after catching the ugly disease?

"Okay, Vessel boy. You want blood?"

She knows his name! What kind of name is that anyway?

"I want yours! Only yours!"

Yes! He lets me go and I don't waste a minute, not even to give him a piece of my mind – I'm not sure how close you have to be to catch his disease, and I'm not taking chances. No way!

I'm hardly surprised when they start fighting, it's just like the psycho chick to start a fight at a club when everyone is out trying to have fun.

I see everyone trying to get out the doors and start shoving them out of my way. What? It's not like they have anything to loose, I on the other hand have stunning features and definitely a lot to loose.

I don't get very far 'cause Jesse grabs me and throws me down, he's obviously determined to make me ugly, maybe he thinks it'll give him a chance. Huh, not likely. So I struggle like mad, but it's like he's got this superhuman strength or something 'cause he barely notices, although he does complain.

"Hold still! You're not making this easy!"

Luckily Xander comes up behind him and distracts him long enough to give me a chance to get away. I pause for a moment though when I notice that Xander has now taken to waving sticks at people too…is Buffy's insanity also catchy?

That's when they start talking all weird like, maybe it's something only geeks understand. So I stay and listen, maybe there's juicy gossip.

I'm not stupid though, I make sure I'm far enough away from the ugly and insane couple to ensure I don't catch either disease.

"Jesse! I know there's still a part of you in there."

What's that supposed to mean?

"Okay…Let's deal with this. Jesse was an excruciating loser who couldn't get a date with anyone in the sighted community!"

You can say that again!

"Look at me. I'm a new man!"

Yeah, sorry for you there, but you're even worse off then before…what with the major ugliness and all.

I decide to forgo the gossip, 'cause it's just too weird and high tale it out of there. I don't wait to find out what happens, because I really don't care.

I bowl out of The Bronze, shoving people out of my way and possibly even trampling on a couple in the process, but I don't stop to find out. Heck no! I'm not going to stop sprinting until I'm in my bedroom behind a locked door.

-----

Monday morning I'm on cloud nine as I tell everyone about my experience at The Bronze on Friday evening. People crowd around to listen to my story and possibly also to take in my startling beauty!

"Well, I heard it was rival gangs. You know, fighting for turf?"

I neglect to mention who told me this tidbit of information 'cause hello, me, center of attention here!

"But all I can tell you is they were an ugly way of looking and Buffy, like, knew them! Which is just too weird. I mean, I don't even remember that much, but I'm telling you, it was a freak show!"

I wasn't lying about the remembering part, it's weird. As soon as I got home it was like the whole experience was a fuzzy memory or something.

"Oh, I wish I'd been there!"

"You should have been there. It was so creepy…"

I think back on the night and can't stop the uneasy feeling, as if I should know something important. Hey! Who gave her permission to own the same pair of shoes as me? What is this, a democracy?

-

**A/N: I am very much aware that Bill Gates didn't invent the computer – my version of Cordelia however obviously doesn't know this…**

**Thanks for your reviews & interest in the story.**


	3. The Witch

**The Witch (Cordelia's Version)**

**Disclaimer: See chapter one**

**--**

My mother is at it again, moaning about some imagined ailment or something, it's like this constant drone distracting me from more important things.

"Rosa! Am I going to get my carbo-shake anytime this week?"

I've kept my distance from my mothers room, where Rosa is currently busy changing sheets or something. The last thing I need is for my mother to decide she wants a mother-daughter chat because she's convinced herself she's dying from some or other disease…it's a different one each week.

Apart from her hypochondriac behavior, I'm also extremely annoyed at her hogging Rosa, when I obviously need her more.

Today is Cheerleader tryouts, and while I have no doubt that I'll get first cut, I still need that shake to give my body a boost.

I tap my foot impatiently, letting Rosa know that I am not happy with this total disregard of my needs.

I'm off to the side doing my stretches quietly as take in the competition, noting in my mind which girls to be careful of.

Ugh…show-off! I shake my head in disgust at the blatant show of 'supposed talent' anyone could do a round-off followed by a back handspring.

"Just look at that Amber. Who does she think she is, a Laker Girl?" I scoff, not realizing that the nerd herd is actually listening to me, and responding no less – as if I would purposefully talk to them. Yeah in la-la land maybe.

"I heard she turned them down." Says Willow, like she'd know…and wait a sec, what the hell are they doing here anyway? Didn't anyone tell them this was for cool kids only?

Before I can demand that they leave, the Squad Leader steps up with her clipboard and calls for our attention.

"Okay, listen up! Let's begin with Amber Grove. If you're not auditioning, move off the floor."

So Amber starts off her little audition, it's boring really, but everyone acts like it's the second coming or whatever.

I turn away from the display; she's obviously an only child who thrives on being the center of attention "hmm!"

Now everyone's shouting, this is really becoming annoying "Enough of the hyperbole!" Get over yourself already!

That's when the whole gym erupts into chaos, I turn around in enough time to see Amber's hands on fire and Buffy snuffing it out with the Banner…what the hell?

This morning I had to have two shakes, a carbo loaded one and a tranquilizer loaded one. I was so stressed the whole night that I barely got an hours sleep, hence the dark circles under my eyes that I spent a whole hour hiding under layers of foundation.

I'm not entirely sure how Amber's hands caught fire, although I'm pretty sure Buffy is involved in someway or another.

I'm not so sure I can go through with this, as if the stress of try-outs wasn't bad enough, now I have to deal with spontaneous combustion? Cheerleading has always been a hairy business, but this is ridiculous.

Joy is pacing before us and I'm suddenly wondering how she became a cheerleader if this is her pep talk, 'cause cheerleading goes hand in hand with pep and this girl is just terrible – it's a wonder no-one has run out of here screaming yet.

"Despite the terrible thing that happened yesterday we still have to pick new cheerleaders. If you make the team you'll find your names posted in the quad after lunch. Let's begin with group performance." She pauses for effect, and then…"Five, six, seven, eight!"

"Sunnydale! Sunnydale! We never fail! We never fail! Jump and shoot! Swish and score! The other team is such a bore! Yeah!"

I'm thinking that this cheer is such a bore too, who the hell came up with it anyway? So I'm cart wheeling like the pro that I am when Amy blows the cartwheel and crashes into me, causing me to fall in an ungainly mess on the floor. This is why nerds should be banned from try-outs, but nobody ever listens to me do they?

Needless to say, I'm furious and already planning my damage control, 'cause this little geek will not ruin this for me. I would be ostracized by all who are cool if I failed to make the team, and how would I ever become Homecoming Queen without the status of cheerleader?

"You saw that, right? That wasn't me! You saw that, right?" I demand looking from Joy to Amy and back again "right?"

Joy dismisses us for the day and I storm off to the locker room in desperate need of a shower, sweating is definitely not my thing.

So I have my shower and all and who should I see? Little Miss I-want-to-ruin-Cordelia's-life-Amy. That's when I corner her.

"I have a dream. It's me on the cheerleading squad, adored by every varsity male as far as the eye can see! We have to achieve our dreams, Amy. Otherwise we…wither and die!"

My speech is so touching that I can feel tears prickling the back of my eyes, but the moment gets ruined when she opens her little mouth, moaning like she's the one who suffered pain and humiliation today.

"Look, I'm sorry about…"

"Shh! If your supreme klutziness out there today takes me out of the running, you're gonna be so very beyond sorry!"

I give her one of my award winning smiles "have a nice day!"

I barely make it through the afternoon, but finally the time comes and I rush to the quad praying that my name is on the list…how will I go on if it's not?

Get your fat ass out the way!

I can't see the list due to Joy's blocking of it and am about to shove her away when she finally moves…yes!

I make my way out of the crowd and see Amy "you're lucky!"

"I made it?"

As if? That girl is definitely living in a fantasy wonderland where nerds can make cheerleading squad…next she'll be running for Prom Queen and then I'd have to shoot myself!

"I made it!"

I tell her in my snarkiest voice. She just stares back at me as if I've spoken Japanese or something.

So I leave the nerds and take my talented self off to a well deserved spa treatment, courtesy of daddy's credit card.

I woke up this morning and it's just…it's like…weird.

My head feels all fuzzy and people keep bumping into me and acting like I'm the one responsible, although I gotta say, the day does kinda have this dream-like quality. You know how you're always feeling confused and disorientated in a dream? That's exactly how I'm feeling right now…also…where'd my locker go?

"Cordelia, you haven't been mean to me all day. Is it something I've done? Okay, see how she has no clue that I'm even a mammal, much less a human being?"

Who is making those noises? It's really annoying. It's okay, it's only Xander the annoying one, there's no need to dignify his loser-talk with a response, which is good 'cause I'm just not into it today, which is weird, granted, but I did say I was feeling weird today.

Oh look…light…follow it!

It's like a dream, a fuzzy cloud dream with singing angels and little kid choirs…hey this isn't my locker…and floating shoes all around me, whispering, chanting…Oh look, light, follow it…

So I'm following the light in my dream or whatever and then there is front of me is Mr Whathisname, the Drivers Ed. Instructor…and he wants me to drive! Who drives in dreams when they can get Brad Pitt to chauffeur them around?

"Nice of you to join us, Cordelia. We didn't keep you waiting or anything, did we? It's your turn to drive. Okay, people, let's buckle up."

Um, drive? Right, I remember now, I think?

"I don't wanna drive today, Mr Pole." It's all this noise and floating…hey his name is Mr Pole. That's just weird!

"You've flunked Driver's Ed twice already. Show me some moves, or you'll be taking the bus to college."

Fine, but you are in charge of keeping the butterflies away, because I will not be held responsible for their actions.

"Okay. Check the brake. Check the mirror. Start the engine."

Start the engine…that's easy, I can do that. Hmm-hmm-hmm.

"Hello? Put the car in drive."

What? Oh. I struggle with the gear shift, but eventually succeed…what goes next again?

"Let's move forward through the cones with a gentle even turn to the…"

Hey, we're going backwards…like…things that go backwards. Whoooo…

"Slow down. Slow, slow, turn right! Turn right!"

Weeee…

"Brakes! Brakes!"

Hey, was that a fence we just went through? It's like the car has superpowers or something. Cool!

What? Why does everyone keep screaming at me?

Oh fine, where do they put the brakes on super-cars anyhow?

"Everybody out!"

Sheez, alright already! And since when is this part of driver-ed?

Oh look….light…follow it…hey, who turned the lights out?

What's that noise?

All of a sudden I'm thrown to the ground and that's when I realize that I can't see anything, nothing, nada…

"Oh, my God, I, I can't see anything!"

"It's, it's okay, it's…Oh God!"

Is that Buffy? Why is she in my dream…unless it's a nightmare?

Suddenly this is not feeling like a dream anymore, my first clue was Buffy 'cause that chick is not even fit for my nightmares, also, my extremely bruised body is screaming out in pain, my second clue that this isn't sleepy-land anymore.

"What's happening? I can't see anything!"

I got stuck in freaky-blind-world for a whole day, which leaves you a lot time to think…and guess what the topic of thinking was…Buffy. There's no doubt in my mind that she's responsible for this somehow.

First there was that guy stuffed in Aura's locker…which for some reason Buffy finds as exciting as a Ralph Lauren sale. Then she attacks me with a stick whilst choking the life out of me, and then her gang friends try and give me the 'ugly people disease'.

Eeew…just had a bad visual.

This week alone, people have caught on fire and who knows what else, and lets not forget my blindness and the all over my body bruises from being brutally thrown to the ground by Buffy…her excuse?...A truck!...Sure!

Plus, am I the only person who noticed that my very own stalker – Jesse has been missing since Buffy started schooling here? Doesn't anyone else find this overly weird?

Speaking of the weird, there she is now talking to Amy.

"Hey, I'm really sorry you guys got bumped back to alternate."

What am I saying?

"Hold it, wait…No I'm not!"

"Well, I know that I'll miss the intellectual thrill of spelling out words with my arms."

Excuse you? Don't think I'm stupid enough to fall for that B-S, I'm the queen of envy and can thus hear it a mile away.

"Oooh, these grapes are sour!"

I prance off, leaving them to stew in their un-talent. I've got cheerleading practice to attend!


	4. Teachers Pet

**Teachers Pet (Cordelia's Version)**

**Disclaimer: See chapter one**

**---**

I finally managed to convince daddy that Cafeteria food was not fit for upper class people, such as myself. So today, I'm armed…with a note from our private dietician – oh yeah, no more hotdog surprise, or any other surprise for that matter for me, nuh-uh today I'm eating food prepared my Franco our new Chef…I think he's Egyptian, or Chinese…you know, from one of those Asian countries…

So I breeze through the Cafeteria only to have Miss-Buffy-Psycho block my path causing me to bump into her, does she have any social graces?

"Excuse you!"

I breathe a sigh of relief as I make my way behind the counter, how close did I come to having the mush they call food all over my designer outfit?

Anyway, so I wave my note in front of one of the Cafeteria workers "Medically prescribed lunch. My doctor ships it daily…I'll only be here as long as I can hold my breath."

Okay, so my doctor doesn't ship it, but what's a white lie when it gets you out of eating mush surprise?

I open the door to the refrigerator and scream.

Oh god! Why do these things always have to happen to me?

Naturally Buffy is attracted by my scream of absolute horror, 'cause she's just weird and I don't presume to know what gets her off about dead bodies.

Speaking of, where the hell is this bodies head?

"His head! His head! Oh, my God, where's his head!"

I think I'm going to barf, or faint, or both…oh god!

I'm severely scarred for life.

Daddy insisted I come to school today, even after I described in gory detail my whole traumatic experience from the day before.

He's heartless and cruel…when he wouldn't agree to the whole staying at home thing, I suggested a day of shopping in L.A. and do you know what he said? Nothing that's what! All of a sudden there was the huge emergency with some client and jail and my experience was suddenly nothing!

Needless to say I was shocked when someone did recognize my pain, even if it came in the form of Principal Flutie, he insisted I see a counselor to help me through my grief.

So that's what I've been doing for the past hour, pouring out my heart…

"I don't know what to say, it was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that. It was…let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, seven and a half ounces? Way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know?"

I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm a 'the glass is half full, not half empty' kind of person, I look for the good in every situation. Like now, I've been so severely traumatized that I'll be living on sleeping tablets for the next year just to get a nights sleep – but I'm still finding a positive out of it!

"Like, how even used Mercedes still have leather seats!" I explain to the counselor, who looks confused, obviously not all of us see the glass as half full…

Speaking of 'half full' this session is getting me out of Lab time, which is great 'cause dissecting frogs is not something I plan on doing when I leave school.

So needless to say, I'm drawing this out for as long as possible, and then afterwards…mochas ala Franco…


	5. Never Kill A Boy on the First Date

**Never Kill A Boy On The First Date (Cordelia's Version)**

**Disclaimer: See chapter one**

---

After the whole body in the fridge incident I've given up on the whole specially prepared diet thing…don't get me wrong, I still think the food is dangerous and fit only for those who live on the other part of town…if you catch my drift? The point is, I think it's safer eating the poison this place serves than finding another body…I just don't think I could handle the trauma of it again. At this rate, my face will be covered in 'scream lines' by the time I'm twenty.

So it's for this reason I'm in the Cafeteria, which actually turns out to be a good thing, 'cause who should I spot? None other than Owen, Mr Mysterious himself and so totally un-approachable that I just have to have him.

"Look, an empty seat!"

I purposefully knock Buffy away, I'm not stupid…the girl was obviously making googly-eyes at my man and nobody gets away with that.

"Ooh! Ew…"

Ugh, she's such a drama queen. Unfortunately Owen falls for the damsel in distress act and goes to help her.

"Let me get that."

It's disgusting is what it is! Who cares if she gets food all over her outfit, it's not like it was something worth looking at anyway.

"Thanks! Boy! Cordelia's hips are wider than I thought!"

Excuse me? Since when does your un-cool self have any right to comment on my perfectly proportioned body?

Now he's talking to her about the food…obviously he's uncomfortable with her presence and is making small talk to cut the tension…which is sweet really, but not necessary. Nobody cares if she's uncomfortable.

Well, there's only so much my stomach can stand…

"Owen, a bunch of us are loitering at the Bronze tonight. You there?"

"Who's all going?"

Apart from me? O-kay, so he's a little slow, which is okay 'cause it makes him easier to control.

"Well, um, I'm gonna be there."

"Who else?"

"You mean besides me?"

That's when he invites Buffy. Sheesh, this pity act is getting really old. I'd better stop this before it goes too far.

"No, no, no! She, uh, she doesn't like fun."

Okay, a little lame, I'll admit…but it's not like I had time to come up with a plausible excuse for Buffy to NOT be there tonight, like I need her weirdness ruining my date with Owen.

Unfortunately for me, Buffy doesn't catch on to the pity invite and accepts the invitation…great, now we're gonna have to avoid the little groupie all night. Witness my excitement at that whole lot of not fun.

It turns out Buffy got the hint after all 'cause she didn't show, which is good for me and especially Owen who would've had an uncomfortable night avoiding her advances when he would rather have been spending time with me.

I've definitely got to teach him how to talk to the nerds…the polite yet cutting remark always works well for me, and if it doesn't, well ignoring them totally is also good.

All in all, it was a great night with lots of dancing and most importantly…no Buffy!

So I'm bronzing it up again and really hoping that Owen is gonna be there 'cause after the day I've had, I could really go for some pampering from a certain cutie.

Ugh, could this day get any worse? I'm not even two steps into The Bronze and I see Buffy pawing poor Owen.

"Aren't there laws against this sort of thing?"

I stride over purposefully, prepared to do damage control. What kind of message would I be sending to all who are somebody if I just let some girl hang all over my man?

"Owen! Look at you, here all alone…"

That's when he says something I refuse to repeat…namely that he's here with the B-woman. I decide to ignore it.

"Oh! Okay. Do you wanna dance?"

"No, I'm still here with Buffy."

It's your own funeral buddy…

"You are so good to help the needy."

"Cordelia, Owen and I would like to be alone right now, and for that to happen, you would have to go somewhere that's away."

Oh please, like you could even dare to compete with me, the guy is obviously drugged.

I give Buffy my patented condescending look before turning back to Owen.

"Well, when you're ready for the big leagues, let me know."

If it were possible, I would be patting myself on the back right now…I am so good, I just dissed and dismissed them…hah!

I'm not feeling so good, it's either the three latte's I just drank, or it's the gross display of affection that Owen and Buffy have going on.

Alright, I admit it…I am so not okay with him choosing her over me.

What has this world come to, when guys will choose weirdness over wonderful?

"What a disgusting display. Is that really appropriate behavior in a public forum? I mean, I've never seen a girl throw herself at a guy like that. Uhhh!"

Just then, my night of un-luck suddenly changes as this sex god walks in through the door.

"Ooh! Hello, salty goodness!"

I give my friends a look of satisfaction "Pick up the phone, call 911. That boy is gonna need some serious oxygen after I'm through with him."

So I start following him, planning my line of attack which will end with him lusting after me for ever more!

Hey! I so cannot believe my un-luck! It's like I've been cursed…or more likely she's put a spell on all the decent males of this town because there is no way that this is possible.

Salty goodness is at this moment making his way straight towards Buffy…It must be the 'slut' signal she's giving off…it's the only explanation for this other worldliness going on here tonight.

It's even worse than that time those ugly people tried to give me their disease!

"Buffy"

Says salty goodness

"Angel"

Says Slutty Woman

"Why is this happening to me?" What could I have ever done to deserve this?

That's it! I'm going home to kill myself.

I storm out of The Bronze, not caring if I'm making a scene. My anger is at such a dangerous level that when this guy approaches me growling…what is he an animal? I don't even blink, or pause to consider how strange this is – I just put my arm out and shove him so hard he falls to the ground stunned.

I'm a little stunned myself, who knew what I could do given the right temper tantrum? Fortunately the episode cheers me up enough to realize that I'm walking home, which is not good for two reasons. The wear and tear on my new prada's would be disastrous and also, I'm not clueless…you don't walk around in this town at night, not if you want to get home.

So I pull out my cell and punch in the number for the taxi company.

While I wait, I consider why I've never wondered about the strangeness of this town…I mean in what other town does the school have a column in their yearbook of all the students who've died over the year?

I guess that's one of the strange things about this town, the fact that nobody asks questions.

I'm not stupid though, I know something not of the good is going on, and I also know that Buffy is extremely involved, I just wish I knew how!

Finally the taxi arrives and I breathe in a sigh of relief as I climb into it…


	6. The Pack

**The Pack (Cordelia's Version)**

**Disclaimer: See chapter one**

---

Yay! It's zoo day again, like we don't have enough animals in our vicinity as it is. I look pointedly at Kyle and his cronies, they're like apes with rabies or something. They also have that animal smell, you know like if you haven't showered in a year?

I follow the crowd of onlookers gathering around the Zebra area, apparently they're mating, which is the most excitement we've had all day, so naturally there is lots of excitement. Whatever. Could this be any more boring? On the plus side, at least we're not in class which is always a reason to celebrate.

I notice Xander and Willow watching the display and shake my head, could that boy be any more of a dunce, the girl is obviously into him…which is one more admirer than I'd ever have given him credit for.

Why doesn't Willow get a clue? Buffy is the obvious reason why he's not noticing her crush, that girl is not satisfied with ruining my life, she's gotta go and ruin the lives of her nerdy friends too!

Speaking of, where is Buffy? No doubt looking for the Gorillas, hoping to get in a quick fight to start off her day.

I sometimes wonder what her deal is, apart from the whole weirdness factor, she has the potential to be a 'cool kid', so why isn't she? Nobody chooses to be unpopular…I just don't get her!

"Hey Harm, let's ditch this and go grab a shake from the coffee shop back there."

Harmony shakes her head enthusiastically and follows me like the little sheep she is.

I walk in silence and Harmony babbles incessantly beside me as we make our way to the refreshments court.

I'm having a deep inner monologue with myself, discussing the pros or cons of getting the peach or the mocha shade of lipstick I saw at the mall this past weekend. With my dark hair and skin, the mocha will give me more of a mysterious appearance, or if I go for the peach, a more lighter, sunnier appearance.

Oh what the hell, I'll buy both, why else have lots of money if you can't spend it on the finer things in life?

With that decided, I find myself in a more cheerier mood and even smile at the passing Zoo Worker who would normally fall under my 'ignore it' radar.

Harmony pauses in mid conversation at my smile, which apparently confuses her…then again a full sentence can confuse the girl.

The world has turned inside out, I swear.

Today, I arrived at school, and Xander was striding around in a very 'chip on my shoulder' way with Kyle and his friends.

My first shock was 'hey, the boy actually has some decent clothes' which was quickly overshadowed by his bad boy attitude, which doesn't suit him.

If that wasn't a weird enough start of the day, now it turns out someone has eaten the school mascot…how sick is that.

So anyway, I'm walking down the corridor thinking about that poor little pig when I walk past the library, apparently the librarian has taken to locking Xander in the book cage now?

Oh-kay then.

I wonder what Franco's prepared for dinner tonight? I hope it's those little fish cakes 'cause that's pure yumminess, and also not pork, which is something I couldn't bare to eat right now.

"Did you hear?"

Huh? What looser is speaking to me now?

"Wild dogs…"

Ugh! Go speak loser-language to the losers who care.

"…ate Principal Flutie!"

Yeah, yeah, yeah…what?

"What?"

I grab the little nerd whose already on his way down the corridor to spread the news and twist him around.

His look of terror would normally put me on a high…but if there are wild dogs loose eating people, I need to know about it.

"What did you say?"

"S-some wild dogs got into the school a-and ate Principal Flutie…"

"Ate, as in fed on?"

"Uh…yeah."

He gives me this weird look before scuttling away, I let him go.

Well I hope they at least cancel school for the week, nobody can expect us to learn under these traumatic circumstances.

I fish my phone out of my bag, after I phone for daddy's driver to pick me up from this freak-zone of a school, I'm calling the wild-life association…there's no way I'm coming back here until this place has been cleared of all wild, flesh-eating animals…


	7. Angel

**Angel (Cordelia's Version)**

**Disclaimer: See chapter one**

---

This past week has been like world war three, what with principals and pigs getting eaten, and let's not forget that it was some of my fellow classmate who ate the pig. Alive!

Naturally I'm feeling a little like I'm in the twilight zone…then again Xanders embarrassing display is a reminder of how normal the moment is. He's amazingly pathetic in the girl-boy arena.

Hey ouch! Well if it isn't Mr-Xander-No-Co-ordination!

"Ouch! Please get your extreme oafishness off my two-hundred-dollar shoes!"

Do I step over your two-dollar shoes? No! Why? 'Cause I have co-ordination and plus, why would I want to get my designer dressed self anywhere near your walmart special hideousness?

"I'm sorry, I was just…"

"…getting off the dance floor before Annie Vega's boyfriend squashes you like a bug?"

"Oh, so you noticed."

Yeah every horrified person in this building watched your wretched display of dancing, it's like when you rubberneck at an accident scene 'cause for some strange reason you can't turn your eyes away from the gore and grossness of it…

"Uh-huh"

"Yeah, thanks for being so understanding."

"Sure."

You're just lucky I haven't turned you in to the authorities for dancing like a wired up monkey.

"Y'know, hey, I don't know what everyone's talking about. That outfit doesn't make you look like a hooker!

Yeah, and you would know what one looks like 'cause the only date you can get are the ones you have to pay for.

Just in case though, I make my way to the bathroom for a once over. Not that I believe Mr Fashion Senseless would know a designer outfit from a passed down hobo outfit, I can't take any chances.

Oh look, the nerd herd…just what I needed to see first thing in the morning, now I know it's not going to be a good day.

Oh.My.God!

"What!"

Is that my dress the little hussy is wearing? And…okay, now Xander is talking to me? Why?

"Not vampire…How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em!"

You are so weird, I'm not even gonna try and figure out what that means, apart from the fact you need tons of therapy! Right now, I'm more concerned about the fact that someone else is wearing my one-of-a-kind dress.

"Where did you get that dress?"

I chase her down, ready to maim and murder if it comes down to it.

"This is a one-of-a-kind Todd Oldham. Do you know how much this dress cost? Is this a knockoff?"

I check the label to confirm what I already know.

"This is a knockoff, isn't it! Some cheesy knockoff! This is exactly what happens when you sign these free trade agreements!"

How am I supposed to get through this day now? It's like I'm living in hell or something…


	8. I Robot You Jane

**I Robot You Jane (Cordelia's Version)**

**Disclaimer: See chapter one**

Who knew that one week could go by in Sunnydale without anything bizzaro going on? Now that in itself is cause for calling Mulder and Scully.

Okay, that's not completely accurate, Harmony told me that Aura told her, that Cindyann heard from Cynthia that Willow Rosenberg has a boyfriend.

Now that is just weird.

Bet Xander is taking notice of her now.

Oh, and some guy was found hanging from the rafters. Suicide is normal though, students eating principals isn't, and boy am I glad that no eating has been had all week in this school, except of the normal kind.

Oh what do you know, Miss Weirdo herself is skipping school again, now there's a shocker. One of these days she gonna be expelled, and let me be the first to not witness any surprise. From the first time I saw her, I knew she was a psycho.

"Harmony, wait up!"

I catch up with Harm and show off my brand new Guess Bag, a gift to myself ala daddy's credit card.

"Hey did you hear about Josh? He's suffering from an extreme ash of STD's."

"No way!" I exclaim "Who'd he get that from?"

We continue the gossip session as we make our way to class.

"Speaking of things that aren't surprising, guess who is ditching school again?"

"Uh?"

"Buffy, who else!"

"That girl is such a delink."

"Delinquent." I automatically correct.

"So, anyways, you going to Brad Schoomans party this weekend?"

"Duh, I answer. Anybody whose anybody is gonna be there."

Reaching our class, we enter and begin another day in Sunnydale High.


	9. The Puppet Show

**The Puppet Show (Cordelia's Version)**

**Disclaimer: See chapter one**

---

Harmony and I spoke on the phone for at least an hour last night, discussing which song would be best for my debut as a solo artist. I figure all superstars have to work hard to get where they are, so that's what I'm doing…

Entering into and performing a solo act for a talent show is a lot more work than it looks…plus they make you rehearse in front of all the drama geeks, which is more than any person of high status should have to endure.

Which leads me to what I'm doing right now…rehearsing in front of a bunch of drama geeks.

At least my song is going well…even that stuffy old librarian has a look of intense concentration on his face…or else he's constipated – I can never tell the difference.

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow. If I fail, if I succeed, at least…"

"Thank you, Cordelia. Tha-that's going to be lovely."

Rude much? I wasn't finished!

"But I didn't do the part with the sparklers!"

"Um, w-we'll, um…save that for the dress rehearsal. Uh Lisa! Please!"

"Uhhh!"

In total irritation I replace the microphone back on its stand and leave the stage. Who wants to listen to Lisa and her tuba anyway?

Aaah!

What idiot let a rabbit loose in the school?

It's unhygienic and plus what if I'd stepped on it and broken my leg or something? I am so telling Principal Snooder!

Did I mention that our new Principal started this week? Apparently he came highly recommended by the Mayor, and he's Hitler re-incarnated. I've even heard some people referring to him as a nazi.

But back to the problem at hand, like the rabbit running around unchecked…I hope this wasn't lunch. Or here's an even worse thought, what if there are other animals loose in the school?

My gaze falls on Xander…ooh there's one now! Somebody should shoot him and put me out of my misery.

I should seriously nominate his parents for a nobel, they need to be rewarded for not having any more kids after their first failure.

Heh! Yup it's Xander dissing day again. I try to have one at least once a week, it keeps me on a happy high!

Speaking of Principal Snooker…here he comes now with the Librarian from Scotland.

"Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days, 'discipline'. I know Principal Flutie would have said, 'Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings. That's the kind of woolly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten."

Hey! I liked Mr Flutes, he was like my mentor…almost like a second father to me you little Nazi person.

"I, I think perhaps it was a little more complex than, um…"

"This place has quite a reputation. Suicide, missing persons, spontaneous cheerleader combustion… You can't put up with that. You've gotta keep an eye on the bad element."

Okay, well at least I'm not the only person who's noticed, I don't feel so alone with my all-knowingness now.

"Like those three."

He nods towards Buffy and the gang…it's like we're on the same wave-length, he reads my mind.

He's still a freak though…

It's another dead body. More people die in this school than actually attend here, soon the teachers will be teaching themselves, unless they land up headless in fridges like that other teacher-guy.

Emily's heart was cut out, in our very own locker room – a place I go into on a daily basis. Is there no-where safe in this school anymore?

And why am I not surprised that the freak squad is loitering around the locker room?

So I'm on my way to Cheerleader practice when Xander corners me. He wants to talk about the latest murder.

For once I'm okay with his presence, 'cause this has been very traumatic for me and I need to get it off my chest…to help the healing.

"It's just such a tragedy for me. Emma was, like, my best friend."

"Emily."

Excuse me, I think out of everyone I would know the name of my childhood friend. We were like special friends, I don't recall ever speaking to her, but we had this bond, as only best friends can. Besides, your interruptions are destroying my moment of pain here, have you no consideration for the dead?

"All I can think is, it coulda been me!"

"We can dream."

Hello? Still talking!

I'm not sure if all this hard work is really worth it…with daddy's money I could probably buy my way into showbiz…right?

I was awake most of the night after suffering nightmares of Buffy cutting my heart out, and then I get to school and this happens…

"I don't understand why I…why I have to follow Brett and his stupid band."

I've been backstage for the last hour arguing my point to Mr Giles who doesn't seem to get the seriousness of this problem. He also stutters a lot, which is really annoying 'cause I have to wait, like, forever for him to finish a sentence and lets face it, it's not like the guy has anything interesting to say anyway, and the stuttering just prolongs the torture.

"Because we have to clear their equipment before the finale. I told you."

Who cares about their equipment, we're talking about my act and how it's going to be ruined if it has to follow their stupid act. Does anyone ever listen to me?

"But the mood! It'll be all wrong! My song is about dignity and human feelings and personal…hygiene or something. Anyway, it's sappy, and no one is gonna be feeling sappy after all that Rock and Roll."

Am I the only one with brains in this place? Why is it so hard for anyone else to grasp such a simple fact as which acts should follow which ones?

And…hey…why's he looking at me like that?

"Uhhh, what?"

"Oh! I'm sorry. Um, your hair, uh…"

What! My hair…is it…uhh!

"There's something wrong with my hair?"

He says nothing, just keeps staring at me like…like I'm Buffy or something.

"Ohmigod!"

I rush out of the theatre, trying to find the shortest and least populated distance to a mirror…what if someone sees me in this state with my hair all…all whatever?

I'm still seething from the whole hair episode. I don't know how they wear their hair back in Germany or wherever Mr Giles is from, but back here in civilized country, my hair is the epitome of perfection.

Of course, I'm still suffering from post bad hair syndrome, and have to continually check that it's okay, which is getting tiresome, and causing the girls to speculate on my sanity. Like they'd be this calm after suffering a similar experience.

I'm sitting in history listening to Mrs. Jackson drone on about some or other dead president. He's dead lady, get over it…live in the now a little, then maybe you'd get a date and stop harassing those of us who do have lives.

Okay, so I'm in a bad mood, thank god it's not that time of the month, else I'd be on a murderous rampage right about now.

I'm so caught up in my thoughts of murdering un-named librarians that I almost don't notice the starring contest that Buffy is having with Morgan's dummy.

She's starring at it as if it's about to jump up and do the mambo in minute. That girl has some serious issues…not to mention bad hair, which makes me wonder how she can stand being around Mr. Giles and his weird hair fetish for such long periods of time?

Anyway, this opportunity is just too good to pass up on.

"Looks like someone digs you. That's adorable. You and the dummy could tour in the freak show!"

Heh! I sit back in my chair feeling very smug.

I'm feeling much better now, but that doesn't stop me from pulling out my compact and checking my hair again. Still looking good! Oh yeah!

"Okay, who can tell me how Spain responded to this policy?"

Ugh!

I check my watch, counting down the minutes till this mass boredom ends.

Apparently Mrs. Jackson has caught Morgan is some act of disobedience or whatever, 'cause she's standing over him and glaring…I watch this with interest, it certainly beats dead presidents and stupid policies in countries many miles away.

"Morgan? Morgan?" demands Mrs. Jackson.

"What?" asks Morgan, you can hear the irritation in his voice. I'm surprised actually, 'cause he's usually so quiet and polite.

"Morgan has other things on his mind." Okay, apparently his act for the talent show has gone to his head 'cause now he's talking in the third person, pretending to be the dummy. It's lame, but everyone laughs anyway, except for Mrs. Jackson who approaches him in anger.

"Give me your puppet" she orders.

"I'll put him away" says Morgan nervously, he acts like he can't get through the day without his wooden doll.

"You'll get it back after school" she takes the dummy away and puts it in her cupboard before returning back to the class.

I can already feel myself drifting off in anticipation of the boredom to come.

"Okay, then. In the first part of the nineteenth century…"

"I'm still watching you."

I look up in surprise because that came from the cupboard, I had no idea Morgan could do that, it's gotta come in handy being able to throw your voice like that.

Obviously Mrs. Jackson isn't so impressed 'cause she tells him to stop it, which he does and of course I return to my previous state of dozing…

Oh. Oh. I don't think I can do this, who knew so many people would come to watch the stupid talent show?

"Fifteen minutes to curtain, everyone! Uh, fifteen minutes."

Shouts out Mr. Giles, to me it sounds like a death sentence. I chase down Mr. Giles to tell him I'm not doing this thing anymore 'cause it's lame and I don't feel like doing it!

"I, I can't go out there. All those people staring at me and judging my like I'm some kind of…Buffy! What if I mess up?"

I'll never live it down, it'll haunt me 'till the day I die. My kids will be hearing about it in kindergarten, they'll be treated like freaks and…

"Cordelia, there, uh, there-there's, uh, uh, an adage, uh, that, uh, if you're feeling nervous, then, uh, you should imagine the entire audience are in their underwear."

It takes me a while to translate his sentence into English, when I do finally grasp what he's saying and consider it I'm totally grossed out, what kind of teacher tells you to imagine porn whilst singing to an audience?

"Eww! Even Mrs. Franklin? Uhhh!"

That's just not right, and neither is Mr. Giles.

"Perhaps not."

"Yeah."

You weirdo. Wait 'till daddy informs the school board of this buster!

"Um, alright, um, we'll assemble on the stage in five minutes for the, um, uh power thing."

I don't know what that means, but it had better not involve porn, 'cause I'm still reeling from the visual image of Mrs. Franklin in her underwear watching me sing.

Everyone gathers backstage as we prepare for the power thing.

"Quickly, everyone! Uh…um, power circle."

We form a circle and hold hands waiting for the signal from Mr. Giles on what to do next.

"Well, that's that, then. Um, everybody, uh, get ready!"

I don't get it? Well whatever, I've got bigger problems to attend to…like naked teachers…

I've never seen anything as pathetically lame as this is in my entire life. It's worse than that time this guy I dated once took me to this foreign film it had subtitles and everything, hence the reason I only dated him the once.

Buffy, Willow and Xander are on stage, ruining whatever reputation they had left by their hideousness of an act.

"Oh, ruler of my country, Oedipus, you see our company around the Altar, and I, the Priest of Zeus!" Says Willow, with little emotion.

This is worse than having your finger nails pulled out with a pair of pliers…


	10. Nightmares

**Nightmares (Cordelia's Version)**

**Disclaimer: See chapter one**

---

Nobody in their right mind would ever choose to be awake at this time of the morning, all I can think is thank god for make-up, or else this world would be full of ugly people. Not that I'd ever have that problem, mind you.

Speaking of, I was so tired this morning after a night filled with nightmares that I'm positive my make-up is on all wrong, who knows what damage I could've done in my sleep be-fuddled mind this morning.

So I pull out my compact to check my face and ensure its perfect-ness. I'm pretty sure it's good, 'cause I have a rare talent for putting on make-up, but you can never be too careful, and I do have a reputation to up-hold.

Ugh! Have you people no consideration? Just because you walk around looking like the living dead, doesn't mean the rest of us have to as well.

"Hello? Doofus! You're in my light."

I glare at the offending light stealer, before turning my glare on Xander who has obviously decided to get on the 'Annoy Cordelia' bandwagon.

"Wendell, what is wrong with you? Don't you know that she is the center of the universe, and the rest of us merely revolve around her?"

Yeah, about time you figured it out freak-o.

"Why don't you revolve yourselves out of my light?"

Fortunately for the geeks, the bell rings, signaling the start of class.

Ms. Tishler walks in, and Xander turns into even more of a geek, if that's possible. I roll my eyes at his lame attempts to get her attention and wonder what I did to deserve this living hell?

"Wendell, would you read the first two paragraphs on page seventy-eight where Isaacson describes the rapid improvement active listening brought to some special needs clients" asks Ms. Tishler.

Suddenly the room erupts into screams as tarantulas start crawling out of the book and all over Wendell.

I jump out of my chair and flee out of the classroom. I so did not sign up for this!

I keep telling myself it's a new day…hopefully one not involving hundreds of spiders crawling all over me…but a new day none-the-less.

After another night of nightmares, I'm actually quite relieved to be at school, I'm even happy to see Buffy, 'cause anything that's not a nightmare is good…

So keeping in with my good mood, I decide to be nice to the weird one.

"I hope you studied for the history test."

She looks at me in horror…okay, this is even better than being nice, her expression of terror is like a salve to my tired soul.

"What history test?"

Duh! The one I just told you about moron! Like I'd make these things up, it's not like I don't have anything better to do than chat to you freaks.

"The one we're having in fourth period right now."

"There's a history test? Nobody told me there was a history test! I haven't…I…okay, I will catch up with you guys later."

She runs off in panic and it's all I can do to stop myself from collapsing in hysterical laughter. Oh man, this should happen everyday!

I start after her at a slower pace, I'm not clueless, and I've certainly noticed that she hasn't been to class in like forever, so she probably needs instructions on how to get there, and I so want to be there to see it. Heh!

Naturally, I get there before her because she's been all over the school looking for history class.

I hold the door open for her "You don't know where class is, do you?"

"Uh…"

"Hardly a shocker. You've cut history just about every time we've had it."

"Well, I was there the first day. I think."

"It's in here."

"I haven't been to class, I haven't read any of the assignments, how am I gonna pass the test?"

"Blind luck?"

This is like my birthday and Christmas all rolled into one.

So okay, the day started off great…what with the whole history test fiasco with Buffy, but since then, it's like I've been walking around in a nightmare world.

Everyday I have this ritual whereby I walk past the band geeks, and they all practically fall over each other to get a second of attention from me. Which of course never happens, like I'd ever even look in their direction. The point is, this is like a ritual, a part of my routine everyday…I walk past them…they pant like dogs…I offer a cutting remark about their chances in hell…and then it all starts again the next day. Except for today, they all just ignored me like I was nothing.

I was so shocked that I actually stopped in my tracks and turned on them, they gave me this irritated look, identical to the one I usually reserve for them, before moving away and laughing loudly about my pathetic-ness.

It's like a Stephen King novel or something.

Pretending like nothing out of the ordinary is happening, I open my locker and glance at the little mirror on the door, it's another ritual of mine, I like to confirm that everything is in place and still looking good at regular intervals.

But this time it's different.

Oh my god! My hair, it's like something from the cavemen days.

Okay, stay calm, this can be fixed.

I consider the options…the first step would be to make it presentable, thereby giving me the opportunity to get out of the school without causing a scene, then get an emergency appointment with Enrique, my hairdresser, he's gay, but I'm okay with it. I'm not one of those people who discriminate against strange behavior and sexual preferences, unless of course their name is Buffy, or they're a geek, or a hobo…or poor.

I grab my comb and try and pull it through my hair, which doesn't work. Oh. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe.

"I don't understand! This can't be happening! I was just at the salon!"

I can feel myself panicking now, and in a desperate attempt to hide my hairdo from hell cover my head with my hands.

"Oh my god!"

Then, as if I wasn't already experiencing a living nightmare, the chess nerds surround me.

I think I'm suffering a stroke.

They grab me and start dragging me into the chess club. Oh god no…please!

"No! What are you doing? Hey, no! You don't understand! I don't wanna go! I'm not even on the chess team! I swear, I'm not!"

They don't listen. I struggle madly to no avail, it's like revenge of the nerds or something equally as horror-full.

"Nohoho!"

I've decided that the best way to survive life in high school is to repress certain memories, which is what I'm doing.

From this day on, yesterday did not exist…

My hair has always been perfect, and I have never seen the inside of the chess club…just so we're clear!


	11. Out of Sight Pt1

**Out of Mind, Out of Sight (Cordelia's Version)**

**Disclaimer: See chapter one**

---

Mitch and I are like soul mates, we're perfect together. I do what I want, and he does what I say…like I said, perfect.

"I just love springtime."

I say to Mitch and Harmony as we walk down the halls.

"Me and bright spring fashions!" I continue.

"Spring training" adds Mitch.

"Me at the end of school dance." I say, as if Mitch hadn't already interrupted my monologue.

"The end of school" says Harmony.

"Definitely my favorite time of year."

I giggle out of sheer euphoria. What can I say? It's a really great time of year.

"I am, of course, having my dress specially made. Off the rack gives me hives."

I shiver at the thought.

"Lemme guess…blue, like your eyes!" Mitch laughs at what he believes is his witty yet romantic remark.

I can barely refrain from knocking him senseless…hello? Idiot? If you bothered to look at my eyes sometime instead of my chest, you'd know that they aren't blue!

"My eyes are hazel, Helen Keller." I laugh. So what if he's stupid…stupid does as he's told, which is all I care about.

"You two will look so fine together in the May Queen photo." Says Harmony

"Well, I haven't been elected May Queen yet."

That's me being modest. Also, for once Harmony has hit the ball on the head. Naturally we're gonna look good together – this being my reason for putting up with the 'blue eyes' remark. You've got to work for this title, and that's what I'm doing!

So, we're walking past the library when Buffy barges right out and bumps into Mitch and I find myself praying that he's left with no bruises 'cause then I'm going to have to find another date. Anyway, she drops her bag, scattering the contents all over the floor.

As usual, she's carrying around a couple of those sticks she once attacked me with, some crosses – I can only think she's gone majorly religious and some other stuff only worth mentioning in the 'Weirdness Book of Records'.

"Uhhh! Behold, the weirdness!" I remark sarcastically.

"You're probably wondering what I'm doing with this stuff, huh?"

No, I'm wondering how quickly I'm can escape your freaky existence so that I can continue with more important stuff…like me becoming May Queen.

"Wow, I'm not!"

So she tells me anyway, not that I listen or anything, I've accepted that she's weird and that I'll see her from time to time because we attend the same school, I will not however accept any conversation between us, anyone could be watching and…judging.

"Uh, for history class. Mr. Giles has this, like, hobby of collecting stuff…which he lent me…for show and tell. D-did I mention it's for history class?

"She is always hanging with that creepy librarian in that creepy library" Harmony explains for Mitch's benefit as we continue down the hall completely ignoring Buffy and her bag-of-wonders.

"Hey, did I ever tell you about the time that she attacked me? At the Bronze? I don't know why this school admits mentals like her."

We continue discussing the weirdness that is Buffy and her band of freaks until we reach my next class.

The topic of discussion today is The Merchant of Venice, which I actually read, which means I can actively participate today for extra marks.

"If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?" Ms. Miller studies the class before continuing "Okay. So talk to me, people. How does what Shylock says here about being a Jew relate to our discussion about the anger of the outcast in society?"

That's my cue.

"Well, how about color me totally self-involved?"

"Care to elaborate?"

"Yeah. With Shylock its whine, whine, whine, like the whole world is about him. He acts like its justice, him getting a pound of Antonio's flesh. It's not justice, its yicky."

"But Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society?"

Willow butts in and answers "Well, everyone looked down on him."

Relate much? Well maybe if you quit butting in to other peoples conversations you wouldn't be treated like such an outcast. It could also help if you avoided Buffy.

So anyway, I continue with my argument "That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of 'my' life, and she's trying to make it about 'her' leg! Like 'my' pain meant nothing."

"Well, Cordelia's raised an interesting point here. Which we'll pursue at a later time."

As everyone files out of class I make my way over to Ms. Miller's desk, still glowing from my brilliant argument and Ms. Millers impressed look.

"Ms. Miller?"

"Good observations today, Cordelia. It's always exciting to know someone's actually done the reading."

"Thanks. Um, I wanna talk to you about my final paper. I'm real unfocused. I have all these thoughts, and I'm pretty sure they all contradict each other."

"Well, I have your outline here, but why don't you stop by tomorrow after school? We'll go over it then."

"That'd be great! Thanks a lot."

"You're welcome. I'll see you then."

"Okay! Bye!"

I start down the hall and catch sight of Harmony.

"Harmony!"

"Hi!"

"They called and said the dress is ready. It's so great! Mitch is gonna die!"

Last night I came up with the perfect campaign, not that I need to mind you 'cause who else could possibly be worthy of the title…but it doesn't hurt.

So I sent the chauffer out to the mall, which was pure luck on my side, 'cause what if it'd been his day off? As it was I still had to wake the lazy moron, but in the end it all worked out perfectly.

I hand out the chocolates smiling and pretending to like these people.

"Now, remember who to vote for, for May Queen! As in me!"

"Thanks."

Yeah, whatever…move along!

Harmony comes over and I excitedly tell her about my brilliant campaign.

"Hi! Isn't this the bomb? I'm such the campaign strategist."

She picks up one of the chocolates and notices the 'C' on the wrapper. " 'C'. For Cordelia?" she asks.

"No, 'C' for Wilma, little brain! Of course, 'C' for Cordelia! This way people will associate me with something sweet!"

I'm so busy explaining the obvious to Harmony, that I don't notice Buffy.

"Here's a chocolate…"

I see that it's her and I quickly snatch my hand back "Oh. I don't think I need the loony-fringe vote."

Harmony and I quickly leave the area, incase she attacks us for the chocolate or something.

This is turning out to be the worst day ever. Mitch was attacked by a flying bat or something, he's so messed up…and who am I going to find on such short notice as a new date for the dance?

I'm having a drink at the water fountain considering my possibilities when Harmony comes up.

"Hi!"

"Oh, hi."

"Cordelia, you weren't in fifth period."

Sometimes I wonder what it's like in her little world of 'slowness' must be nice, especially if you're me and faced with the horror of my reality.

"I went to the hospital."

Finally the cogs click in place in her head "Oh, Mitch. How is he? Will he be okay?"

"Well, the doctor says he'll be fine. They're gonna send him home tomorrow. But…you should've seen him lying there. All black and blue? How's he gonna look in our Prom pictures? How am I ever gonna be able to show them to anyone?"

"Well, they can do wonderful things with airbrushes these days." She offers comfortingly.

"You think?" suddenly, things don't seem that bad anymore.

We're walking along the balcony towards the stairs as I contemplate Harmony's rare 'good' thought.

"I just hope they can prop him up long enough to take the picture." I say to her, 'cause if they can't, then we're back to square one.

"Cordelia, can I talk to you?"

It's Buffy, and suddenly I'm thinking the day is as bad as I previously thought. What could she possible want? We have nothing in common…'cause she's like crazy and I'm…not!

"Oh, great."

"Why is she always try…Uff!"

Before Harmony can finish her sentence, she starts tumbling down the stairs.

"Harmony!" I scream.

Principal Scallie comes up "Oh, for heavens sakes! Clear back, everyone! Give her some air!" He points at somebody "You! School nurse, now!"

Harmony is at this point enjoying her 'Center of Attention' status and wangles it for all it's worth. I taught her well!

"Ow! Oh, my ankle! I think it's broken."

"What happened?" asks Buffy.

Duh! She fell down the stairs…you were there!

Principal Snyder glares at Buffy "Hey! Who's the principal here?" he then addresses Harmony "What happened?"

"She fell! She, she, we were standing at the top of the stairs and she just fell! All by herself!" I answer, wanting my bit of the lime-light too, 'cause I was also involved, and it could have just as easily have been me who fell to my death.

"No! I was pushed!"

Snyder bends down and touches her ankle.

"Ow!" she moans like a whiny two year old…I'm really getting annoyed with the theatrics now.

"Don't sue" he pleads.

Well I'm gonna sue if y'all don't stop with the annoyingness soon.


	12. Out of Sight Pt2

**Out of Mind, Out of Sight (Cordelia's Version)**

**Disclaimer: See chapter one**

The dress finally arrived, so I gathered the girls for an evening of 'dress up Cordy' I'm so excited! Also, it takes my mind off all the horrors of the day, with me almost being pushed to my death and all, and then there's the fact that I've had to shower in perfume to mask the smell of 'hospital' that was all over me after I visited Mitch.

"Should I wear my hair up? Do you think I should wear it up?"

There are some nods of 'yes' and some 'no's' so I decide that I wasn't going to listen to their suggestions anyway, I'll ask a professional, like Enrique.

"How does the, um, hem go? Is it, is it long enough, or…Isn't it beautiful?" I finally comment, expecting the chorus's of 'yes' along with an undertone of envy. I love their adoring comments and looks. They know as well as I do that I am Queen, not to mention deserve it after the hell I've been through this year and especially this day alone!

I'm standing in the quad waiting patiently for them to announce the winner, which of course will be me…but it's a school ritual to pretend like there was some sort of competition with a winner and a loser. Everyone knows that I'm a winner, and anyone who comes up against me is a loser.

"The winner is Cordelia Chase!" announces Synder "Let's bring up our new May Queen."

Everyone begins to applaud as I make my way up to the podium.

"Thank you for making the right choice, and for showing me how much you all love me. Being this popular is not just my right, but my responsibility, and I want you to know I take it very seriously. It all began when…"

I give my well rehearsed speech to the adoring crowd, whilst thinking of all the doors this crown will open for me.

"Ask not what your school can do for you, ask: 'Hey! What am I wearing to the Spring Fling?'"

My speech is a work of art, and the results are as I expected…the crowd stare up at me adoringly. I smile back at them.

This school is so lame, I can't believe they made me go back to classes after receiving my crown. There should be a rule against this or something.

Fortunately school is over for the day, and in a few minutes I'll be cruising outta here to go and bask in my glory at home, and then later at the Bronze.

First, I have a meeting with Ms. Miller, I knock on the door and enter. I'm surprised that she didn't say 'come in' or something…oh hey, maybe it's like a surprise party for me?

The first thing I see is Ms. Miller slumped over the desk. I don't get it? Where are the streamers and screaming fans?

"Ms. Miller?"

Suddenly everything clicks in my head, there's no party. Oh and my teachers dead.

I'm like one of those red cross people in heart and spirit, so when I see her slumped there I forget my own problems and rush over to help.

"Oh, my God! Ms. Miller!"

I struggle to lift her, what with her dead weight and all.

"Oh, my God!"

I pull the plastic bag off of her head, what the hell was she doing putting her head in plastics bags anyway?

"Are you okay?"

I almost fall over in fright when she draws a sudden deep breath and begins coughing.

"Ms. Miller, what happened?"

"Attacked. Didn't see."

I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand on edge, what if the attacker is still around? Why couldn't they go all psycho-attacking-people on another day, a day when I haven't just been crowned May Queen?

I hear the sound of chalk on the chalkboard, both of us turn around quickly to see the word 'listen' appear on the board.

That's it. I let go of Ms. Miller and flee out of the room. People are after me, and I need serious protection.

I run straight for the library of weird, and what's the first thing I hear when I enter? My name, that's what. Sheez, these people are like obsessed with me or something, they probably even have a stalker club going in here.

"What?"

They all look at me in surprise, so I take this opportunity to spit out my words of reconciliation that I thought up on the way here.

"I knew you'd be here. Buffy, I, uh, I, I know we've had our differences, with you being so weird and all, and hanging out with these total losers…Ooh!" Okay, this is harder than I thought, so I bite back my sarcasm and continue with the nice "Well, anyway, despite all of that, I know that you share this feeling that we have for each other, deep down…"

"Nausea?" asks Willow.

Exactly! I think to myself, but now is not the time. So I forgo the reconciliation, 'cause I just can't bring myself to be nice to her and continue with the reason I'm here, in the library, with them.

"Somebody is after me! They just tried to kill Ms. Miller? Uh, she was helping me with my homework. And Mitch! And Harmony! This is all about me! Me, me, me!"

"Wow! For once she's right!"

Of course I'm right geek-boy!

"So you've come to me for help."

I nod at her. I'm not stupid, I know that she's involved with fighting and stuff, therefore this is so her area of expertise.

"Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons…I was kind of hoping you were in a gang." They all look at me like I'm the crazy person. "Please! I don't have anyone else to turn to!"

That is the limit of my begging, so I hope they go for it otherwise I'm in trouble.

"Please. Sit down."

The librarian offers me a chair, at least someone has manners around here.

"Okay. Thanks."

"You know, I…I don't recall ever seeing you here before."

Oh, eew…like I'd ever, and just so we're clear, the only reason I'm here now is because it's a life and death situation.

"Oh, no, I have a life." I explain to Mr. Giles.

"Okay. Cordelia, your attacker is an invisible girl" says Buffy.

Whatever! I knew she'd be involved in this weirdness somehow.

"Who is really, really angry at you, which I…can't imagine personally, but it…takes all kinds, y'know?"

I'm not so sure coming here was such a good idea afterall, 'cause Xander is talking to me again. Maybe I should've sent an email?

"Well, I don't care what it is, just get rid of it!" I demand.

"Well, it's not that simple, it's a person, it's…" she shows me a yearbook "it's this person. Now, do you have any idea why she'd be so…"

Ugh! "Oh, God! Is she really wearing Laura Ashley?"

"…so homicidal?"

"I have no idea! I've never seen this girl before in my life!"

I then continue to tell them about the rest of the attack, and the chalkboard.

"According to what you told us about the attack on Ms. Miller, we now have two messages from Marcie: 'look' and 'listen'."

I sort of tune out, the librarian has a way with rambling.

"Messages we don't understand" says Willow.

"I don't think we're supposed to…yet. Marcie's not quite ready. But from what she did to Cordelia's picture, I would say that she's wigged on the whole May Queen thing. Maybe she's gonna do something about it."

Suddenly I'm listening again when Buffy mentions 'May Queen'.

"Stop the coronation tonight, maybe. Keep you guys away from the Bronze?"

Hey nerd-girl, just 'cause you'll never experience your own coronation doesn't mean you get to cancel it for the rest of us!

"Nothing is keeping me from the Bronze tonight!"

"Uh, can we just revel in your fabulous lack of priorities?" Snarks Xander, king of all who are lame.

"If I'm not crowned tonight then, then Marcie's won! And that would be bad. She's evil, okay? Way eviler than me."

"Cordelia has a point."

"Buffy's with me on this."

"Anyway, continuing the normal May Queen activities may be the best way to draw Marcie out. We can use Cordelia as bait."

"Great!" hey what? "Bait?"

"Willow, Xander, you'll help me begin our research anew. Unless we find a way to cure Marcie's invisibility, then Buffy will be…"

"…a sitting duck" finishes Buffy.

"C'mon" she says to me, getting up from her chair.

"Well, I have to try on my dress. And am I really bait?"

We both walk down the deserted school hall, and I try to make conversation 'cause I find myself in a very uncomfortable situation, hanging out with Buffy and all.

"So, how much the creepy is it that this Marcie's been at this for months? Spying on us? Learning our most guarded secrets? So, are you saying she's invisible because she's so unpopular?"

"That about sums it up."

"Bummer for her. It's awful to feel that lonely."

"Hmm. So you've read something about the feeling?"

That was totally uncalled for, what have I ever done to her to deserve that discriminating remark?

"Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say."

"Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular?"

"Well, it beats being alone all by yourself."

I continue down the hall, full of my own pain.


	13. Out of Sight Pt3

**Out of Mind, Out of Sight (Cordelia's Version)**

**Disclaimer: See chapter one**

We reach a mop closet, Buffy opens the door and turns on the light. I can already feel the hives breaking out on me.

"If you ever tell anyone that I changed in a mop closet…" I leave the threat hanging in the air.

"Your secret dies with me." She looks around. "Looks okay. But hurry."

"Okay."

I close the door and begin to get changed. I can already feel my subconscious blocking out this horror of an experience. Meanwhile Buffy is talking to me through the door like we're bosom buds or something.

I come to her once for help, and she latches on to it, acting like we've got anything in common…puh-leez. I'd kill myself the day I found anything in common with her.

"You know what you were saying before? I understand. Somehow it doesn't seem to matter how popular you are when…"

"You were popular? In what alternate universe?"

"In L.A. Th-the point is, I did sort of feel like something was missing."

"Is that when you became weird and got kicked out?"

It's a valid question, one that I deserve to ask, especially if I have to listen to her sob story of her glory days when I'm the one suffering.

And then, I get attacked.

"Okay. Can we have the heartfelt talk with a little less talk from you? Cordelia?"

Unbelievable! My bodyguard is outside talking about her poor self, when I'm getting attacked inside the mop closet.

I try screaming, but my mouth is covered with some dirty, germ laden cloth. Great, so if I do by some chance get out of this alive, I'm going to have a disease. This is all Buffy's fault.

The next thing I know, I'm being pulled through the ceiling. Not that I'm heavy or anything, but I'm still surprised at her strength.

Finally, Buffy crashes through the door…a little too late if you ask me.

"Buffy!"

I wake up inside the Bronze to find myself tied to the May Queen chair, and my bodyguard tied to the other. Great help she was.

Finally she wakes up and looks around in confusion.

"Buffy? You're awake?"

"Yeah."

"I can't feel my face!"

Oh god, what if she paralyzed my face, for like, ever?

"What do you mean?"

"My face. My face is numb. What is she doing?"

"I don't know."

And why did I come to you for help again? I could've got captured all by myself, what did I need you for?

That's when I see the curtain, it has 'learn' written on it.

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know."

Why am I not surprised?

Out of nowhere this tray wheels itself towards us, I'm guessing inviso-girl is pushing it.

"Uh, I'm disappointed. I'd really hoped you guys had figured it out by now" says fresh air…aka…Marcie.

"Well, why don't you explain it? C'mon , Marcie, what are we supposed to learn?" asks Buffy.

"Yeah, what do you wanna teach us!"

I hope Buffy is going somewhere with this, 'cause I don't want to anger the invisible girl holding me captive without a good reason without some sort of escape plan.

"You don't get it. You're not the student. You're the lesson."

"What did you do to my face?"

"Your face. That's what this is all about, isn't it? Your beautiful face. That's what makes you shine just a little bit brighter than the rest of us. We all want what you have. To be noticed, remembered. To be seen."

Enough with the psycho-babble.

"What are you doing?"

"Well, I'm fulfilling your fondest wish."

She pulls off the cloth covering the tray, revealing several surgical instruments. I gasp when I see it, all of a sudden things are starting to click into place.

"I'm gonna give you a face no one will ever forget."

"Marcie, you can't do this."

Yeah, tell her tied-up-girl!

"What are you gonna do? Slay me?"

Yeah! What?

It's like I can only understand every second word that comes out of her mouth. Guess that proves I'm not of the psycho variety, whereas Buffy seems to understand everything she's saying…

"Marcie, you know this is wrong."

She's psycho, of course she knows this is wrong, that's where all the fun comes in you idiot. Why didn't I hire a real bodyguard, like Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard?

Marcie punches her.

Hey, that's my bodyguard, if anyone gets to punch her, it's me!

"You shoulda stayed outta my way. Y'know, I, I thought, I thought you would understand my vision, but you're just like them."

Just so long as we're clear that she's nothing like me…Oh god, is that a scalpel she's swinging in front of my face?

"Please don't do this! Nooohoho!"

"You should be grateful. I mean, people who pass you in the street are gonna remember you for the rest of their lives."

Yeah, okay, except that's not how I wanna be remembered 'oh look, there goes scarface' is not going to help me break into showbiz you psycho-freak.

"Children are gonna dream about you. And every one of your friends who comes to the coronation tonight will take the sight of the May Queen to their graves."

Out of the corner of my eye I can see Buffy attempting to reach the tray of torture instruments which leaves me to distract the Invisible-Mauler. I struggle to think of something to keep her busy, mostly so she won't cut up my face, and also to give Buffy a chance to rescue us.

"Wait!"

Okay, yeah, that's gonna work. Dammit, why can't I think of something? Probably because there's a knife floating in front of my face…

"No, we really have to get started. The local anesthetic's gonna wear off soon, and I don't want you to faint. It's less fun if you're not awake."

Uh…uh…can't think…can't…oh god!

"Let me see. I think we should start with your smile. I think it should be wider."

Uh, what's her name again…Martie? Marsha? Marcie!

"Marcie, I know you think I don't understand, but I do!"

"Yeah, I'll bet you know how I feel. I'm sure you can just be with all your friends and feel so alone 'cause they don't really know you. You're just a typical, self-involved, spoiled little brat, and you think you can charm your way out of this, don't you! ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU THINK!"

Marcie swings the scalpel and almost slices my whole face off. I think I'm about to black out.

"I see right through you."

Yeah, ditto you freak!

Finally Buffy gets her legs free and kicks the instrument tray into Marcie, who then stumbles back into the curtain. Buffy uses this opportunity to free her hands and gets out of the chair.

"Oh, my God! Get me out of here, please!" I shout in panic

"Hold still!" she shouts back.

She takes so long that Marcie gets back up and kicks her away. I'm pretty sure I'm screaming full throttle right now…it's probably the insanity creeping in.

"Uh, huh, huh, oh, my god!"

Buffy starts to get back up "y'know, I really felt sorry for you. You've suffered. There's one thing I really didn't factor into all this. You're a thundering loony!"

Yeah, tell her!

"Buffy, are you okay?" I ask.

Before she can get back up, Marcie kicks her back down.

"Oh, my god! Oh, my god!"

I watch as Buffy gets knocked down a second time, this time into the chair.

"Buffy!" I scream.

She tries to get up and falls off the chair, tipping it over herself in the process. I'm reaching the conclusion that she's not at all good at this bodyguard thing.

"Buffy! Oh, my god!"

She gets up again and takes a blind swing.

"Hey, moron! I'm invisible!" She knocks Buffy down for like the millionth time "how are you gonna fight someone you can't see?"

"Oh, my god!"

"Cordelia, shut up."

"Okay."

Hey, I'm hysterical otherwise you would never find me agreeing with her.

So Buffy closes her eyes, I'm guessing she's trying to sense Marcie, or something equally as stupid…but hey, if it helps get me out of here, then I'm okay with it.

Marcie must be moving around her or something, 'cause the floor creaks and Buffy spins around and lands a punch right on target.

Marcie stumbles back into a banner which wraps around her.

"I see you" taunts Buffy, before punching Marcie again.

That's when the side door opens and several FBI Agents come in…a little too late if you ask me.

"Everybody stay where you are" commands one of them whilst the other two run over towards Buffy and Marcie.

"FBI! Nobody move!"

One of them holds his hand out towards Buffy to keep her back "Okay, we'll take it from here now, ma'am."

"Take what from where?" demands Buffy, obviously also miffed at their late timing.

"I'm Agent Doyle, this is Agent Manetti. We're here for the girl."

"Well, where were you ten minutes ago when she was playing surgeon?"

They have Marcie now, and she seems to finally realize the kind of trouble she's in "Oh, my god!" she mutters to herself, 'cause nobody else is caring.

"We'll take it from here on" continues Agent Doyle.

"C'mon" the other Agent says to Marcie.

How come they're all acting like this in normal? And did everyone forget that I'm still tied to a chair…in hysterics?

"You can cure her?" asks Buffy.

Enough with the interrogation, get me out of here already!

"We can rehabilitate her" answers Doyle.

"In time she'll learn to be a useful member of society again" continues Manetti whilst Marcie is led out of the Bronze by the other Agents.

"Where are we going?" she asks.

To a mental institution you psycho! And you'd better stay there if you know what's good for you!

Yeah, I'm angry, who the hell wouldn't be after being sliced and diced by an invisible psycho freak?

"Very useful" repeats Doyle.

"This isn't the first time this has happened, is it? It's happened in other schools" accuses Buffy.

Yeah, make the Federal Agents angry…maybe you can get kicked out of this school too!

"We're not at liberty to discuss that" answers Manetti.

"It would be best for you to forget this whole incident."

Are you crazy? How the hell do you begin to forget about the time your face almost got cut off?

"Do you know that you guys are very creepy?" States Buffy, and I have to say that this is one time I totally agree with her.

"Thank you for your help."

"Oh, and, uh…have a nice day."

Buffy watches them leave, which I'm sure is fascinating and all, but…still tied up here!

"Can I get untied now?"

So I was up all night, what with the excitement of the coronation, and the re-living or the kidnapping and I decided that weird or not, Buffy did help me out, so I guess I do owe her my gratitude.

It's hard though, swallowing your pride to say thank you to someone you don't like, and have probably never really been nice too, but if nothing else, I always pay my debts, so here goes…

"Hi"

She looks kinda surprised, but greets me back "Hey!"

"Look, um, I didn't get a chance to say anything yesterday with the coronation and everything…but, um, I guess I just wanted to say thank you, all of you."

Well I'm nothing if not gracious.

"That's funny, 'cause she looks like Cordelia."

Buffy elbows Xander in the chest, which is good 'cause it saves me from commenting, which normally I would be more than happy to do, he's just too easy to insult, but I am trying to be grateful here, and I don't think my heartfelt thanks coupled with a few insults would really go down well.

"You really helped me out yesterday, and you didn't have to. So, thank you."

There, I'm finished, and relieved that, that ordeal is over! Now I can get back to more important things, like Queendom!

"It's okay" replied Buffy.

"Listen, we were gonna grab lunch in a minute if you wanted to…"

"Whoa, whoa. You're not hangin' with these losers, are you?"

Mitch! Oh great, see where being nice gets me? Caught in the act talking to these freaks, how the hell am I gonna explain this and get away with my reputation intact? Dammit!

"Uhhh!"

Gotta think quick "Are you kidding? Heh!"

I grab his arm and lead him away, desperately thinking of a reasonable excuse.

"I was just being charitable. Helping them with their fashion problems. Heh." Which is partly true, 'cause they could really do with a fashion overall. "You think I really felt like joining that social leper colony? Puh-leeease!"


	14. Prophecy Girl

**Prophecy Girl (Cordelia's Version)**

**Disclaimer: See chapter one**

----

I'm sooooo over Mitch, I think it was the conversation he had with my chest, yup, apparently my breasts are named 'Cord' and 'Elia'. Besides, he's boring, I need someone who I can have an intellectual conversation with, also, he needs to look good on my arm. That's why I'm dating Kevin.

So we're at the park, and okay, so we're not actually having a conversation…but I'm sure we'll get around to it a little later, for the moment the smoochies are too good.

Hey, did someone just grunt?

"What was that? I ask, breaking off the kiss. I needed to take a breath anyway.

"What was what?" asks Kevin, obviously more interested in the kissing than the grunting I just heard.

Was that a growl?

"Someone's out there." Or possibly even a wild animal, either way I'm not too sure if I'm comfortable here anymore.

"That's silly! Who would be out there?"

All of a sudden everything begins to shake and I realize that it's an earthquake, luckily we're nowhere near anything that can fall on us…unless the trees do…oh…oh…what if the ground opens up and swallows me?

Uhhh! What's that alarm sounding thing?

Oh, okay, it's just the car alarm. But still…does it have to be so shrill?

Everything has to be perfect for the dance, which is another reason for me dating Kevin, he's really handy with the heavy lifting and the taking of orders. I love it!

"I'll get everything tonight after practice. The guys'll help me."

He's so sweet!

"Well, it's all in the A-V room. The sound system, and the decorations…And, oh, Aura needs help, um, moving the coolers."

"Don't sweat it!"

"Well, bring everything to the Bronze, and I'll meet you there in the morning!"

"Done!"

I giggle with pleasure, he's so perfect for me!

"You're so sweet! Why're you so sweet?"

"I dunno! 'Cause I'm usually mean as a snake!"

I give him one of my award winning smiles, then I spot Willow.

"Willow!"

I turn back to Kevin "I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay."

Hmm…I catch myself day dreaming about him on my arm at the dance…oh right Willow.

Seeing as I'm about to ask a favor, I'd better sugar her up a little "Willow! I really like your outfit!"

Eugh! That was really hard to get out with a straight face.

"No, you don't."

Well she's got me there, 'cause I really don't.

"No, I really don't, but I need a favor."

"What kind?"

"Well, the Bronze won't let us use their sound system, and I need someone who knows how to hook one up. If you could just show up tomorrow morning…"

I can see I'm loosing her attention, since when does she have the right to act like she's someone that can do that?

But I really do need her help, so I cut off my scathing comment by almost biting my tongue off and try and think of something to offer her in return.

Ooh, I know…the same thing every geek in this school would kill for…

"I'd be really, really grateful! I mean, I'd talk to you at the dance and everything."

Wow, that was even harder to get out than the 'nice outfit' comment. Still, she doesn't seem overly excited by the offer…maybe she's still in shock from the whole earthquake thing last night!

"Sure."

"Great! Tomorrow at ten?"

"Sure."

I'm actually surprised, I was sure Willow hadn't registered a word I'd said yesterday, and yet here she is, not that it actually matters 'cause 'sweet Kevin' obviously didn't listen to anything I'd said.

"Oh, Kevin said that he'd bring everything to the Bronze last night. He promised! We'll never get everything ready in time."

"He probably forgot. It's not that big a deal."

"Uh, you don't understand. I'm not mad! He totally flaked on me. On me! And I don't even care. God help me, I think it's cute! Oh…"

Who would have thought that his 'not listening to me' would be sexier than his 'listening to me'?

We reach the Audio-Visual room and I can see Kevin and his friends through the windows.

"There they are! They're watching cartoons. That's so cu…" hang-on, he blew me off for cartoons? Who the hell does he think he is? "That's not cute. That's annoying. I'm annoyed."

"Right. I'm furious" agrees Willow.

"Men. I don't know why we put up with them."

"I hear ya."

Still got that love triangle thing going on huh! That's got to be crappy, fortunately, I've never been in that position…usually I'm the one not returning the warm fuzzy feelings for them.

But, then again, I'm cute, popular and not a geek! I also don't spend all my free time in that library with the British guy who always wears tweed. Which is yicky enough, but the guy doesn't even iron them, like yesterday…I swear it looked liked he'd slept in them. Anyway, back to the problem at hand.

"Obviously, Kevin has underestimated the power of my icy stare."

I open the door to the A-V room and Kevin's body falls out into the hall.

I think I'm screaming again. This is starting to become a habit.

"Oh, my God! Kevin!" I kneel next to him, hoping that he's still alive, but knowing in my gut that he's not. Also, he's very pale and stiff, so that kinda clues me in to the fact that he's probably not alive anymore. "No!"

"Kevin!"

This is not fair! Why do these things always happen to me? He was my soul-mate, my one true love!

I hate this school; everyone is always dying in it, or going invisible and psycho…

This thing with Kevin has got me re-evaluating my life…and this town, 'cause I've tried to suppress the memories but it's not working and I know that there is something wrong with this place.

Right now, all my friends are dancing it up at the Bronze, which is wrong. How can they act like it's a normal day?

As May Queen, I should also be there, but right now I couldn't care less. Suddenly all those things seem so trivial and empty.

Daddy doesn't understand, he offered me a shopping trip in Paris to 'take my mind off this silly business'. That's why I'm not at the Spring Fling or at home, and with no where else to go, I'm forced to drive around town and eventually end up at the park, where Kevin and I used to hang out, which is how I happened to notice the hoard of ugly people heading towards the school and in their path is Ms. Calendar and Willow.

I don't hesitate, I know something is up, and I also know that there's just way too many people with ridges on their brows for it to be a disease, there's definitely something else going on here…I'm not entirely sure what though.

Anyway, as I said, I don't hesitate, I drive at full speed into the parking lot and screech to a halt beside Ms. Calendar and Willow.

"Get in!" I shout at them.

I have to say that I'm a little confused as to why Ms. Calendar is involved in this weirdness, 'cause she always seemed so normal to me. Oh well, who am I to judge, because right now I'm also in the middle of all this weirdness.

They both jump into the car and in my hysterical state instead of driving out of there immediately, I find myself explaining to them how I ended up here…saving their butts.

"I was sitting where Kevin and I used to park, and all of a sudden these things are coming at me!"

We all scream as one of the ugly things jumps on top of the car…and yet I'm still not driving out of there, like I said, I'm hysterical.

"What do we do now?" shouts Ms. Calendar.

"We've gotta get to the library!" replies Willow.

Whatever gets us away from these freako's "library! Great!"

I burn rubber as I make a fast U-turn, throwing the ugly guy off of the roof of my car and head towards the school building.

"Of course, we generally walk there" squeaks Willow.

I crash through the building doors and go peeling into the halls of the school. I then crash through the second set of doors and skid to the front of the library, and my drivers-ed teacher told me that I would never learn to do an emergency stop!

We scramble out of the car screaming as we run into the library. In any other school I'd think it strange that we're running into a library for safety from bumpy people. But not in this school, nuh-uh! In fact, I'm thinking in this school, it's probably the safest place.

"What's happening?" asks the librarian as we lean against the door to keep the ugly people out.

"Guess!" Ms. Calendar shouts at him.

One of the weird guys punches through the small round window on the door as Mr. Giles grabs a bookcase and carries it over to use as a barricade. He then goes back and grabs the copier and pulls it over too.

"Why are they coming here!" He questions.

Yeah, don't know the answer to that one buddy, maybe they know this is the local hang-out for weirdo's, and being weirdo's themselves thought 'hey, let's go drink some tea with the librarian!'

Nobody answers him, they're obviously all thinking the same thing I am, so we continue carrying furniture to the door.

"They're coming in through the stacks!" he points, indicating the bumpy men.

"C'mon!" shouts Ms. Calendar to Willow. They both run towards the back of the library, leaving me and library man to hold the fort at the front.

"The bookshelves" shouts Ms. Calendar. They lift one of the bookcases against the French doors that lead to the stacks and lean against it.

Mr. Giles remembers his office and runs to go and secure it and all of a sudden I'm alone.

One of the freaky men take advantage of the opportunity and punches through the remaining window, grabbing hold of my arm.

"Somebody help!" I scream in fright.

Nobody comes to my aid, so I decide to take matters in my own hand and start hitting its arm, when that doesn't work, I bite it.

"See how you like it!"

Oh yeah, I remember when you freaks tried to bite me at the Bronze, this is payback you freaks of nature.

I hear Willow screaming and Ms. Calendar calling for Mr. Giles, I turn and see this tentacle thingy wrapping around Willow's ankle and suddenly I'm thinking that maybe this wasn't the safest place after all.

"The Hellmouth!" shouts Mr. Giles, and I'm thinking he's gone crazy 'cause what the hell does that mean, and how does it at all help the situation?

The creature has three heads and reaches all the way to the ceiling, and I start wondering if the ugly guys are maybe more preferable to this thing…what did Giles call it? The Hellmouth! I guess it does kinda fit, because it looks like something out of hell, and it does have three mouths. Whatever! I still don't get how knowing its name helps in anyway 'cause we're still barricaded in here with the thing. And where is Buffy? Usually she's in the middle of all this weird stuff.

Willow screams again as the creature tries to drag her away.

"GIIILES!" screams Ms. Calendar, holding tightly to Willow.

Should I do something? Oh okay, Giles is on his way with an axe…I guess I'll just stay here and not be surprised that there are axes in the library, 'cause hello…nothings weird anymore when you're watching a three headed creature try and eat your schoolmate.

"GILES!" screams Ms. Calendar again.

He doesn't answer because he's swinging the axe into one of the heads causing it to roar, in agony and not anger I hope.

Giles keeps swinging at the Hellmouth, eventually the thing gets tired of being chopped up and knocks Giles off the mezzanine and onto the large table below. It breaks when Giles hits it, and one side falls over onto its end, leaving a huge spike pointing upward.

One of the heads then hovers over Giles whilst the other faces off with Willow and then…it laughs.

It sounds even worse than that time I scrapped my car against this metal barrier, causing this high pitched scream of metal against metal.

There's this sudden shattering of glass and this guy comes crashing through the skylight, and all I can think is that he's even uglier than the ugly guys. He lands on the broken table and is impaled on the spike turning slowly into dust leaving nothing but a skeleton behind.

Okay…what the hell just happened?

Nobody else seems surprised that a guy just died in front of us and turned into a skeleton. So maybe it's me, maybe I'm the weird one here?

Anyway, on the plus side, the hellmouth disappears and so does the ugly guys…so all in all, I'm a happy little camper.

So where's a mirror around here anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm not fit for any company after battling creatures for a whole evening, so what if the only people around are freaks and geeks, it's no excuse to let yourself go – which is a lesson Buffy could learn sometime!

I begin pushing the junk away from the library doors in anticipation of finding a mirror in one of the toilets.

When the last of the furniture is shoved away the doors open and who should appear…Buffy, that's who.

I'm tempted to scream bloody murder, demanding to know where the hell she was when all the weird crap was going down, this is her thing not mine.

She's even wearing a prom dress, how could she even think of things like that when creatures are coming out of the floorboards?

And anyway, dress or not, she still looks terrible. You'd think she'd put on a little make-up and dry the hair into a style that's…say…not wet!

Anyway, as I was saying, I was tempted to tell her all of this, but then Mr. Salty Goodness came in behind her and I forgot what I was going to say.

So little-miss-weird was out on a date whilst the rest of us were saving the world!

Oh, and Xanders here too!

Speaking of, who would want to take him along on their date? That's just…weird, and…gross!

"The vampires?" asks Giles, interrupting my thoughts.

What vampires? Oh, I get it…the vampires were those ugly biting guys, which makes sense.

How come I'm not surprised and freaked by this? Oh god! I've become one of them!

"Gone" I say, hoping none of them have mistaken me for a new crime fighting pal. I want no part in this weirdness, and refuse to ever speak of it again.

"The Master?" asks Sexy Man.

"Dead. The Hellmouth closed. Buffy…Buffy?"

Okay, I'm not a hundred percent sure what that last statement meant. I though the Hellmouth was the three headed creature?

Whatever!

I have absolutely no interest in this subject whatsoever.

"Oh, sorry. It's just been a really weird day" she smiles at him.

"Yeah! Buffy died, and everything!" adds Xander, like it's a cause for celebration or something.

She'd better not try and use that as an excuse for her appearance, 'cause I am so on to her!

"Wow! Harsh" exclaims Willow, seemingly way over the whole creature trying to eat her thing.

"I should have known that wouldn't stop you" smiles Giles.

Yeah. Whatever. Couldn't we all just barf and call it a night?

"Well, what do we do now?" questions Ms. Calendar.

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd like to get out of this place. I don't like the library very much anymore."

I look at Giles and think to myself how I've never like the library…and this is definitely the last time you will EVER find me in here again. In fact, I'll deny ever being in here before.

"Hey! I hear there's a dance at the Bronze tonight. Could be fun."

Wow, for once we're in agreement.

"Yeah!"

They'd better not expect me to talk to them. When we get there, we are definitely going our separate ways.

"Buffy?" questions Willow.

"Sure! We saved the world. I say we party! I mean, I got all pretty."

Heh! Sure, whatever makes you feel better, hon!

"And what about him?" Ms. Calendar indicates the skeleton guy.

"He's not going anywhere. Loser."

She seems to have issues with the dead-skeleton guy.

We all start making our way out of the library war zone.

"I'm not dancing, though" comments Giles.

"We'll see" replies Ms. Calendar slyly.

"You can come with us, Angel" Willow says to Salty Goodness.

So his name is Angel, well I guess it's fitting, he does look like one.

"I'm hungry" announces Buffy.

No ones caring freak-girl, also, you could stand to loose a few pounds!

"So what's the story with the car?" asks Xander.

"Oh, that was me, saving the day!"

Shouldn't I get a medal for it or something...actually, not such a great idea 'cause then people will know that I was here! With them!

"Get something to drink" continues Willow to Angel.

He doesn't say much does he?

"Is anybody else hungry?"

Maybe you have worms, you should get that checked out! And, nobody is still caring!

"Well, no, don't do that. Just hang" says Willow very nervously, Angel still doesn't answer her though.

"I'm really, really hungry"

Ugh! Get over it already! Nobody cares!

--------The End----------------------------------------------------------


	15. When she was bad s2

**When She Was Bad**

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

* * *

The mouth of hell had nothing on my summer, wait till I tell Harm and the others, they'll be mortified.

How am I expected to hold on to my reputation if my most noteworthy topic of conversation of the summer entailed burying the skeleton of a vampire. Argh! If anyone finds out that I spent one whole evening in the library fighting vampires with all the losers and freaks of this school, it would be worse than that time Daddy took away my credit card for the month.

Those geeks had better not think they're allowed to acknowledge my presence in any other than an awed way. We are by no means friends, or for that matter acquaintances. In fact, they'd better not try and drag me in to any more of their freak-show extra-curricular activities.

I am so over the whole fighting for my life, ruining my clothes thing. Obviously it works for Buffy, she never had any clothes worth a cent anyway, so it's not like it's any loss for her.

Anyway, the nightmare that was last year in no way compares to the nightmare that was my summer.

So here I am, back at school, home of the mouth hell or whatever.

"It was a nightmare, a total nightmare!"

I tell my friends as we walk in to the quad, as usual they hang on my every word, it's not like they have anything to talk about anyway. They live off my life, which is cool with me, 'cause holding in this kind of trauma is not healthy.

"I mean, they promised me they'd take me to St. Croix, and then they just decide to go to Tuscany."

I sigh for dramatic effect.

"Art and buildings? I was totally beachless for a month and a half. No one has suffered like I have. Of course I think that that kind of adversity builds character. Well, then I thought, I already have a lot of character. Is it possible to have too much character?"

None of them respond, apparently it's not impossible to have too little intelligence.

Oh well, at least I'm not in a museum.

----------------------------------------

For one whole day I managed to avoid the Slayer and her sidekicks. It was bliss, but then today I woke up with this migraine, and then I chipped my nail and daddy refused to let me skip homeroom for an emergency manicure and then this…

There they were in front of me, and with no where to go and no way to avoid them, I was stuck for something to say.

"Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers" I bite out sarcastically, inwardly I'm cringing. Okay, so it's not my best insult, but I have a chipped nail…it's thrown my whole day out of wack!

"Was that an insult?" Asks the Slayer herself.

"Kind lacked punch" agrees Xander, ever the sheep.

"The Three Musketeers were cool" added Willow.

Yeah, they kinda got me there "I see your point" I acknowledge grudgingly, but hey, if they knew about the nail, they'd be totally with the sympathy right about now.

"I woulda gone with Stooges" advised Xander.

Yeah, like I'd take advise from the King of Geeks.

"Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together." I explained, really wishing I could begin the day over, this was turning into a horror movie. "So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?" I ask, in a vein attempt to change the subject.

And that is when they begin their geek-talk.

"Uh, yes! Our own personal demons." Says Willow a little too loudly.

I squint my eyes at her, risking wrinkles as I try to translate it into normal-speak.

"Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift!" Adds Xander.

What the hell? Thrift? Oh god, the geekness has gotten to them and they've all gone insane!

"I would have to go with Stooges too!" Adds Buffy, obviously not quite with the geek-speak, so pretending like the others hadn't spoken she returns to the previous topic of conversation.

"What are you guys talking about? I'm talking about big squiggly demons that came from the ground? Remember? Prom night? With all the vampires?"

Earth to losers!

How does a sane individual forget the hordes of mutant faces trying to suck all of your blood out?

"Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good!"

Good insult…

Hey! Where the hell does bad-hair-girl get off with insulting me?

"No. It's, see, we can't mention that stuff in front of other people, Buffy being the Slayer and all."

Yeah okay, touch me again and you die freak-boy!

"You haven't been talking about our little adventure all summer, have you?" Asks Willow…obviously still living in her own little naïve world where I would even spend a millisecond discussing her and her freakish friends and their existence to my friends.

"Are you nuts? Do you think I would tell people that I spent the whole evening with you? Besides, it was all so creepy. That Master Guy? And all the screaming? I don't even like to think about it."

I focus my attention on the leader of the freak pack "So your secrets safe with me!"

Okay, hit me with the grovelling gratitude, I'm ready for it!

"Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron."

My mouth falls open in astonishment and Buffy storms off, leaving me no opportunity to retort with an insult of my own…which would have been good…better than hers!

"Now, that was a good insult." Remarks Xander, equally as baffled with the temper tantrum.

"A little too good" frowns Willow.

Keeping my cool, I respond casually "what's up with her?" Secretly I'm wondering if little miss destructo-girl has finally gone off the deep-end, 'cause usually I'm the one with the biting remark before flaunting away and she's the one left standing open mouthed with the two geeks.

It's like the twilight zone.

-----------------------------

Being back at the Bronze is like…well…last year! Nothing ever changes in this dinky little town.

My gaze wonders around the room and locks on to Buffy as she enters…okay, well some things do change, like super-bitch over there.

Let's not dwell on all thinks freaky. Ooh look, Chocolately-Goodness, oh right I forgot, some things never change like the fact that he has some inexplicable love-thing for Buffy. Argh!

Notice my shock as he glides over to her. That boy has the most uber-sexy way of moving.

"Hi" she says.

Yeah, good opening line there Buffy.

"Hi" he replies.

Hmm, he says it so well.

"So, is there danger at the Bronze? Should I beware?" Asks little miss highlighted hair.

"I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like."

Yeah, more than I like too. Get over her!

"I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from."

Uh, yeah sure!

"What are you afraid of? Me? Us?"

Ugh, gross!

"Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living."

As usual, the freak doesn't make any sense, there's definitely something up with that girl, and if she carries on like this, she not even gonna be left with the loser friends she has.

-----------------

Ugh! Gross! Again!

Who passes up Mr Sex Kitten, for the ultra un-cool Xander? She's even spooning the geek…oh god I've gone blind!

This has got to stop!

I watch as she leaves Xander high and dry on the dance floor and leaves the Bronze and decide to follow her out.

"Buffy."

Good, she stopped, now I've just got to make sure she doesn't pull a stick on me.

"You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?"

"As defending champion, you nervous?"

Not likely. But okay, this is not about me, this is about her, so take a deep breath Cordy and say what has to be said!

"I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close, which is nice, 'cause I don't really like you that much, but…you have on occasion saved the world and stuff, so I'm gonna…do you a favor."

Wow, and I managed not to choke as I got that out, yay me!

"And this great favor is…"

"I'm gonna give you some advice. Get over it!"

Oh yeah, I'm really good at this, I should really consider going into counselling…I could council the stars, give Brad advice, comfort Tom…

"Excuse me?"

Oh right, her first!

"Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now."

Oh, I'm good.

"I think it's about time you start minding your own business."

Except, when have I ever?

"It's long past." I reply.

"Nighty-night." She says as she takes off…well, I guess I'll just have to leave her with something to stew about won't I?

"I'll just see if Angel feels like dancing."

Before I can pat myself on my back and make good with my word, I'm grabbed from behind and dragged into a building.

They shove me down the stairs as if I'm a sack of potatoes, and if I weren't so scared, I'd really give them a piece of my mind.

Backing away from the vampires I bump into something…a hand…AAHHH, EEWW, oh, Ms Calender, no, no, no!

"Ms., Ms. Calendar? Oh, God, Ms. Calendar?" Please don't be dead, I don't wanna be alone with the blood sucking creeps.

--------------------------

Why does God hate me so much?

That's my first thought as I wake up on a metal platform that hangs precariously over a filthy warehouse.

My second thought is how the hell does Buffy manage to drag me into every one of her stupid fights to the death? I don't recall volunteering for the Demon Club she holds chair over, so how in the hell do I always end up in the middle of it?

Below me, I dimly make out sounds of fighting, oh goody, miss-graveyard-lurker is here to save me from something I wouldn't even be involved in if it weren't for her freakish ability to attract trouble.

And again I wonder to myself what the hell I'm doing here? It's not like the demons could mistake me for one of her geek-pals who clearly are slayer-bait on a regular occurrence. Even the demons have got to see that little miss slayer ain't no way in my league of coolness. So whats up with the kidnapping…and where the hell is my bracelet?

Great, I've been kidnapped by clepto-vampires, what next…Barbie-vampire?

As I struggle to a sitting position, I notice Miss Calendar and Mr Giles watching the fight below, and Xander talking to a groggy Willow.

Below me, Buffy is standing over a pile of crushed bones, whilst she cries into Mr-Tall-Dark-and-Handsomes shoulder.

Hey! What about my pain? This is her life, she's used to dead people and crushed bones, I'm the one who is suffering from unmentionable trauma.

God, she's such a drama-queen, it's all always about her.

Buffy. Buffy. Buffy.

---------------------------

It's a new day, and despite my best efforts, I cannot get over the trauma of the day before.

There's just so much a person can take before the pressure gets to them, and I think I've endured my fair share of ordeals.

Cry-baby Slayer is just lucky I haven't pressed charges, if it weren't for the fact that I'd get thrown into an asylum faster than you could shout 'slayer' I would have made sure the judge signed a restraining order keeping Buffy at least two cities distance from me.

"What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?"

"What?" Asks Miss Calendar.

"It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry clean till judgment day, you are living with those stains."

By now, Buffy and her life of demon goo and blood, have ruined at least half of my wardrobe.

Yet another thing I cannot have her arrested for. God really, really hates me.

"Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat: the stains."

At least someone else understands. Not that Miss Calendar had anything worth dry-cleaning to begin with, but it's the thought that counts right?

"I hear ya!" I say to her. She's been through enough, I don't need to point out the fact that she's probably better off without the outfit she was wearing yesterday, which really negates the whole trauma thing for her anyway, because it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.


End file.
